I CONSIDER MYSELF A VERY FORTUNATE WOMAN.I AM 69 YEARS OLD,MY HEALTH IS GOOD AND I AM INDEPENDENT and MOST OF THE TIME I AM VERY HAPPY.MY CHILDREN ARE ALL GROWN AND ARE DOING WELL.
ALL IN ALL, I have very few complaints.I suppose if I could change anything in my life ,I would choose to be younger and look like I did when I was in my twenties.There are times when I get lonely and miss being married and having a houseful of kids,dogs and cats.
Strange isn't it that when we have all of those things ,we so often wish we had something else,something more,something different.
Well, I got my wish and one day,I woke up,at least it seemed like it happened that quickly, and my husband was gone and my children were all grown.
I realized then that I had the best of both worlds and now I was all alone and being alone was not much fun,it was merely lonely. I had my independence,my own apartment and a job that I loved.
What I did not have was someone waiting for me to come home,someone to give me a hug when I needed it and a strong shoulder to cry on when I was stressed out, sad,or generally unhappy.
There was no one waiting for me,no one to talk to and cuddle with at night.
I survived and I am fine most of the time,but there are those times when I look back and regret that I did not treasure and nurture all that I had.
If I could go back in time,knowing then what I know now,I would have made different choices and thanked God for giving me a wonderful husband,healthy children and a house full of love. The moral of this story ,if there is a moral,or maybe just a warning to savor every moment and be thankful everyday for the people in your life and the joy and love they give you and the love that you give them in return.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
What the ?
I woke up on December 16th 2013 and realized it was my birthday and I was now 69 years old! I showered,dressed,brushed my teeth and my hair,cleaned my apartment,took out the garbage,fed my fish and sat down with my Atkins shake,my daily breakfast,to watch my favorite television shows that I had recorded the night before.Around noon I went to Walmart,Dollar Tree, and Family Dollar, store to shop for groceries and personal items,shampoo,deodorant,etc.
Stopped at Wendy's and picked up two Apple Pecan Chicken Salads and a chocolate Frosty,to have for lunch and dinner the next day. After putting everything away, I listened to the happy birthday messages on the answering machine,from my family and friends,then read my happy birthday E-mails.
That night it really hit me that I really was 69 years old and I had outlived my parents,grandparents,and my only sister.Tears spilled down my cheeks as the memories of them and everyone else in my life,who had gradually left me,whether from death or as people do,they just drifted out of my life. I sat in my recliner and let the images of them and the memories all the people I had loved and lost drifted through my mind.
I suppose that is when I realized just how blessed I have been in my 69 years to have had so many people in my life that loved me and whom I loved. Later that night,after I went to bed,I lay there and smiled as I drifted off to sleep,and decided that being 69 wasn't so bad after all.
Stopped at Wendy's and picked up two Apple Pecan Chicken Salads and a chocolate Frosty,to have for lunch and dinner the next day. After putting everything away, I listened to the happy birthday messages on the answering machine,from my family and friends,then read my happy birthday E-mails.
That night it really hit me that I really was 69 years old and I had outlived my parents,grandparents,and my only sister.Tears spilled down my cheeks as the memories of them and everyone else in my life,who had gradually left me,whether from death or as people do,they just drifted out of my life. I sat in my recliner and let the images of them and the memories all the people I had loved and lost drifted through my mind.
I suppose that is when I realized just how blessed I have been in my 69 years to have had so many people in my life that loved me and whom I loved. Later that night,after I went to bed,I lay there and smiled as I drifted off to sleep,and decided that being 69 wasn't so bad after all.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The Grasshopper and the Ant
Well,so far things are going better for me at the start of 2013. I am finally learning to manage my money better than I did in 2012. I admit that I as a young girl I was used to having money and not have to worry about such a mundane thing.My stepfather was a self made millionaire and he doted on me and loved buying me things.His only biological child was a disappointment to him.When he divorced his first wife and married my mother, I was the child he had always wanted and he made all of my dreams come true.
I loved working the cattle with him and he gave me my first horse.We worked side by side until he knew he could trust me to handle myself on my horse and working the cattle.After that he would tell me what he wanted me to do for that day and trusted me to get it done.He loved taking me shopping and showing off for me by buying whatever I wanted. He made all of my dreams come true and I adored him.All I had to do was ask for something and he would make it happen. He spoiled me ,but I also worked very hard to earn his praise.
Then I fell in love with a very handsome young man who asked me to marry him and with stars in my eyes I said yes.My stepfather warned me that he was not the right man for me,but I was 16 or 17 and madly,foolishly in love.We were married on a beautiful October day and I was sure that we would be deliriously happy for the rest of our lives.I was so wrong!
My stepfather was right and after six miserable years of putting up with his infidelity, and having two children that he did not want,I was miserably unhappy. My stepfather,the only stable person in my life and who loved me unconditionally sent me the money to come home.So I packed my bags,took my two children and flew back to the only home I had ever loved and the only people who had ever really loved me.A few months later I was divorced and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
Life was better for me and my two children. I was happy for a time, I had my horses and a farm again even if the old farm I loved so much was sold.I liked the new place but it just wasn't the same.
My stepfather made sure to remind me of all the mistakes I had made and that my leaving was the main reason that he had sold the farm we had both loved so much.
The breach between us gradually healed and once again we were close,but things were never the same.I think he stayed angry at me for leaving him for a man he had told me wasn't the right man for me.Unfortunately for both of us, he was right!
I decided that I had to find a profession that would pay me enough to pay my bills and take care of my children.My stepbrother's wife was a registered nurse and talked me into going to nursing school.I decided that it was a profession that paid pretty well and nurses were always needed.
Looking back,I had no way of knowing just how glad I would be that I chose to go to school and earn my degree as a registered nurse.
A few years later my stepfather was in poor health and I helped take care of him when he had to have both legs amputated above the knee,because my mother,who had developed kidney disease and was on dialysis three time a week just couldn't handle it. We hired several nurses but he wanted me so mother hired a housekeeper instead to help her and help take care of my stepfather while I was at work.I took over the care of my stepfather when I was off work and in-between taking care of my two children. We were surprised when my mother died before my stepfather. He died a few years after her death.
Well I continued to work at a local hospital where I met my second husband.We had two children and were happy together.He loved my two children from my first disastrous marriage. A few years after we were married we moved to Texas and were happy for a time until he began to see other women.
Some of the fault was mine and some was his.I gained a lot of weight after having two more children and was exhausted from working in a neonatal unit and as a research study nurse for three doctors at a major hospital.Before long the pressure of working long hours in two demanding jobs and trying to take care of the house and our children sent me spiraling into a deep depression.I had no idea that I was actually suffering from post-partum depression which left untreated can cause postpartum psychosis and suicidal ideation in some women.I was one of the unlucky women who suffered from this condition that doctors knew very little about at that time.Things just got worse between my husband and I know now that was part of the reason he turned to other women.
Boy can I digress or What? Eventually,he left me for a women had stayed friends with since high school. After twenty something years, we parted ways and it broke my heart.
I found a job as a hospice nurse and loved it.I had always gravitated to the sick and dying,whether it was an animal or a human.I worked as a Hospice RN until I realized one morning that I just did not think I could do it anymore. During the past three years,I had to have surgery on an injured shoulder,then a total replacement on my left knee,both injured taking care of my patients.I decided it was might be time to think about retiring from nursing. I was having trouble doing some things by myself (changing light bulbs if I had to climb a ladder to do so was beyond my capabilities). I was still unsteady on my feet and had to use a cane at times.Finally my daughter and son-in-law had both served their two years in the Marine Corp and decided not to re-up. They had made an offer that was accepted and closed on a two and a half story home. They asked me to move in with them and my granddaughter and after thinking it over for a few weeks I agreed.They were unable to find jobs that paid enough to meet their mortgage and pay all their bills even thought I was helping out as much as I could.
A few months later,they came home and announced they had been to a job fair and accepted jobs in Alaska.And that is how I ended up in a remote area of Alaska and officially retiring from nursing.
Now to explain how this relates to the Grasshopper and Ant Fable.I drew out my 401k which was over $32,000.It is very expensive to live anywhere in Alaska,even if one is very frugal.I was not frugal or wise.I bought clothes for myself and the family.I paid for most of the very expensive groceries and I foolishly bought clothes,toys,etc for the family,including myself.
Then I decided I wanted to buy myself a car that one of the residents had for sale and I did.Five years later we all decided it was time to move back to Texas and it cost a lot to ship the cars to Anchorage then back to Texas.So there you have it. I was the wise ant fewer times than I was the foolish grasshopper. Fini!
I loved working the cattle with him and he gave me my first horse.We worked side by side until he knew he could trust me to handle myself on my horse and working the cattle.After that he would tell me what he wanted me to do for that day and trusted me to get it done.He loved taking me shopping and showing off for me by buying whatever I wanted. He made all of my dreams come true and I adored him.All I had to do was ask for something and he would make it happen. He spoiled me ,but I also worked very hard to earn his praise.
Then I fell in love with a very handsome young man who asked me to marry him and with stars in my eyes I said yes.My stepfather warned me that he was not the right man for me,but I was 16 or 17 and madly,foolishly in love.We were married on a beautiful October day and I was sure that we would be deliriously happy for the rest of our lives.I was so wrong!
My stepfather was right and after six miserable years of putting up with his infidelity, and having two children that he did not want,I was miserably unhappy. My stepfather,the only stable person in my life and who loved me unconditionally sent me the money to come home.So I packed my bags,took my two children and flew back to the only home I had ever loved and the only people who had ever really loved me.A few months later I was divorced and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
Life was better for me and my two children. I was happy for a time, I had my horses and a farm again even if the old farm I loved so much was sold.I liked the new place but it just wasn't the same.
My stepfather made sure to remind me of all the mistakes I had made and that my leaving was the main reason that he had sold the farm we had both loved so much.
The breach between us gradually healed and once again we were close,but things were never the same.I think he stayed angry at me for leaving him for a man he had told me wasn't the right man for me.Unfortunately for both of us, he was right!
I decided that I had to find a profession that would pay me enough to pay my bills and take care of my children.My stepbrother's wife was a registered nurse and talked me into going to nursing school.I decided that it was a profession that paid pretty well and nurses were always needed.
Looking back,I had no way of knowing just how glad I would be that I chose to go to school and earn my degree as a registered nurse.
A few years later my stepfather was in poor health and I helped take care of him when he had to have both legs amputated above the knee,because my mother,who had developed kidney disease and was on dialysis three time a week just couldn't handle it. We hired several nurses but he wanted me so mother hired a housekeeper instead to help her and help take care of my stepfather while I was at work.I took over the care of my stepfather when I was off work and in-between taking care of my two children. We were surprised when my mother died before my stepfather. He died a few years after her death.
Well I continued to work at a local hospital where I met my second husband.We had two children and were happy together.He loved my two children from my first disastrous marriage. A few years after we were married we moved to Texas and were happy for a time until he began to see other women.
Some of the fault was mine and some was his.I gained a lot of weight after having two more children and was exhausted from working in a neonatal unit and as a research study nurse for three doctors at a major hospital.Before long the pressure of working long hours in two demanding jobs and trying to take care of the house and our children sent me spiraling into a deep depression.I had no idea that I was actually suffering from post-partum depression which left untreated can cause postpartum psychosis and suicidal ideation in some women.I was one of the unlucky women who suffered from this condition that doctors knew very little about at that time.Things just got worse between my husband and I know now that was part of the reason he turned to other women.
Boy can I digress or What? Eventually,he left me for a women had stayed friends with since high school. After twenty something years, we parted ways and it broke my heart.
I found a job as a hospice nurse and loved it.I had always gravitated to the sick and dying,whether it was an animal or a human.I worked as a Hospice RN until I realized one morning that I just did not think I could do it anymore. During the past three years,I had to have surgery on an injured shoulder,then a total replacement on my left knee,both injured taking care of my patients.I decided it was might be time to think about retiring from nursing. I was having trouble doing some things by myself (changing light bulbs if I had to climb a ladder to do so was beyond my capabilities). I was still unsteady on my feet and had to use a cane at times.Finally my daughter and son-in-law had both served their two years in the Marine Corp and decided not to re-up. They had made an offer that was accepted and closed on a two and a half story home. They asked me to move in with them and my granddaughter and after thinking it over for a few weeks I agreed.They were unable to find jobs that paid enough to meet their mortgage and pay all their bills even thought I was helping out as much as I could.
A few months later,they came home and announced they had been to a job fair and accepted jobs in Alaska.And that is how I ended up in a remote area of Alaska and officially retiring from nursing.
Now to explain how this relates to the Grasshopper and Ant Fable.I drew out my 401k which was over $32,000.It is very expensive to live anywhere in Alaska,even if one is very frugal.I was not frugal or wise.I bought clothes for myself and the family.I paid for most of the very expensive groceries and I foolishly bought clothes,toys,etc for the family,including myself.
Then I decided I wanted to buy myself a car that one of the residents had for sale and I did.Five years later we all decided it was time to move back to Texas and it cost a lot to ship the cars to Anchorage then back to Texas.So there you have it. I was the wise ant fewer times than I was the foolish grasshopper. Fini!
Monday, January 7, 2013
2013,NEW YEAR,NEW BEGININGS?
On December 16th, I turned 69. I have been lucky enough in my lifetime so far to have fallen in love with two wonderful men(not at the same time) and eventually produced two wonderful children with my first husband before we divorced and two wonderful and very different different children with my second husband(who turned out to be the love of my life). Unfortunately, I seem to have gone crazy after my last child, was born. I wanted to be alone,lost all interest in sex and began to gain a lot of weight,stopped taking an interest in anything but sitting on the couch,eating,drinking diet cokes and watching television.Eventually,we stopped taking care of each other,having any fun together and he couldn't take being married to me and my craziness any longer and walked out and into the arms of his high school sweetheart.I kept hoping he would come back to me and our two children,but he had had all he could take and filed for a divorce.
Neither of us knew at the time that I was suffering from postpartum depression,which was not treated and developed into a severe form of psychosis.Basically,I went bat shit crazy and became depressed enough to have thoughts of ending it all. The only thing that kept me from ending the pain,was my four children and how they would feel if their mother killed herself.
It took me several years to get over the loss of my second husband.Strange how you think you want something and when you get it,you realize it wasn't what you really wanted at all.
That was in 1999,what I call my year of tragedies,losses, and heartaches.
After he had moved out the home we had lived burned to the ground and I had to start all over ,just me and my youngest daughter.Oh eventually I recovered enough to continue to work as a registered nurse but not in the same hospital.Too many memories haunted me in the place where we had both worked.Eventually,I moved on and found my true calling as a hospice nurse.I started working for a wonderful company as a hospice R.N. and as they say,"Life Goes On".
Am I happy? Most of the time I am reasonably happy.I am retired now and live in a lovely senior apartment complex.However; there are days that memories of my past loves and life come calling and I realize just how much I miss those days and how blessed I was with healthy children and a husband who loved me.That is when I feel just what I have lost and how much I miss those days.I think what I miss the most are the hugs,the feeling of knowing someone really loves me and has my back and I have to admit I really miss the lovemaking,and having someone to cuddle with on those lonely nights when I can't sleep.There is no one to come home to and I miss that.
It really is true,that you don't realize what you have until you don't have it anymore and sometimes the pain is almost more that I can stand,but,I am a survivor and I will be okay. This too shall pass and I will keep on keeping on and enjoying the good days and surviving the bad days.FINI
Neither of us knew at the time that I was suffering from postpartum depression,which was not treated and developed into a severe form of psychosis.Basically,I went bat shit crazy and became depressed enough to have thoughts of ending it all. The only thing that kept me from ending the pain,was my four children and how they would feel if their mother killed herself.
It took me several years to get over the loss of my second husband.Strange how you think you want something and when you get it,you realize it wasn't what you really wanted at all.
That was in 1999,what I call my year of tragedies,losses, and heartaches.
After he had moved out the home we had lived burned to the ground and I had to start all over ,just me and my youngest daughter.Oh eventually I recovered enough to continue to work as a registered nurse but not in the same hospital.Too many memories haunted me in the place where we had both worked.Eventually,I moved on and found my true calling as a hospice nurse.I started working for a wonderful company as a hospice R.N. and as they say,"Life Goes On".
Am I happy? Most of the time I am reasonably happy.I am retired now and live in a lovely senior apartment complex.However; there are days that memories of my past loves and life come calling and I realize just how much I miss those days and how blessed I was with healthy children and a husband who loved me.That is when I feel just what I have lost and how much I miss those days.I think what I miss the most are the hugs,the feeling of knowing someone really loves me and has my back and I have to admit I really miss the lovemaking,and having someone to cuddle with on those lonely nights when I can't sleep.There is no one to come home to and I miss that.
It really is true,that you don't realize what you have until you don't have it anymore and sometimes the pain is almost more that I can stand,but,I am a survivor and I will be okay. This too shall pass and I will keep on keeping on and enjoying the good days and surviving the bad days.FINI
Saturday, December 29, 2012
*THE PASSAGE OF TIME and CHANGES IT BRINGS**
I have noticed that each year,time seems to pass faster and faster.Now I am not complaining,I am merely making an observation.I have reached the age now,that time is whizzing by at an alarming rate.Seems like only yesterday,I was in my twenties and today I turned 68.How in hell that happened in such a short amount of time,I have no idea.Wasn't it just last week that I was celebrating my 40th birthday?
Ahh well,time truly waits for no man,or woman. I am fortunate that I have most of my wits about me,even if I am more forgetful than I used to be.I am definitely not as fearless about trying new things and I have to really think twice about heading out on a long road trip by myself.I used to think nothing of jumping in Ema,my trusty four wheel drive Ford Escape,grabbing a map and driving from Texas to Louisiana,Austin,etc.Now I plug in my GPS to go across town.
I have to write memos to myself to make sure I take my medications on time,keep appointments,and show up places that I have promised to be at a certain time.I have sticky notes all over my home as reminders for all sorts of things.I have a notebook by my laptop with all of my passwords,user names,etc!
I write romance suspense novels and now I have to write down,characters names,vital statistics,etc.so I can have a quick reference and don't spell their names differently,change the color of their hair and eyes in each chapter,etc.etc!
Lord help ,me even thenwhen I read over what I have written a few days later,i realize that I have written the same scene twice,or have the hero and heroine,meet each other for the first time in three different chapters.
Now,as I said before,at least I think I did.I am profoundly grateful for being alive and with most of my wits intact.
Any day that I wake up,know who I am,where I am and don't walk out of my door naked,is a damn good day!
Ahh well,time truly waits for no man,or woman. I am fortunate that I have most of my wits about me,even if I am more forgetful than I used to be.I am definitely not as fearless about trying new things and I have to really think twice about heading out on a long road trip by myself.I used to think nothing of jumping in Ema,my trusty four wheel drive Ford Escape,grabbing a map and driving from Texas to Louisiana,Austin,etc.Now I plug in my GPS to go across town.
I have to write memos to myself to make sure I take my medications on time,keep appointments,and show up places that I have promised to be at a certain time.I have sticky notes all over my home as reminders for all sorts of things.I have a notebook by my laptop with all of my passwords,user names,etc!
I write romance suspense novels and now I have to write down,characters names,vital statistics,etc.so I can have a quick reference and don't spell their names differently,change the color of their hair and eyes in each chapter,etc.etc!
Lord help ,me even thenwhen I read over what I have written a few days later,i realize that I have written the same scene twice,or have the hero and heroine,meet each other for the first time in three different chapters.
Now,as I said before,at least I think I did.I am profoundly grateful for being alive and with most of my wits intact.
Any day that I wake up,know who I am,where I am and don't walk out of my door naked,is a damn good day!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Life As I Know It Now.
I am 67 years old and every day that I wake up and know where I am and who I am, I am profoundly grateful that I am still still here and with all my faculties mostly intact.I retired from nursing after working as an LPN,then an L.V.N and last but not least an R.N.!I started my nursing career in Louisiana,moved with him to Tennessee,had two children and after a bitter divorce,my two children and I moved back to Louisiana, my home state, where I met a wonderful supportive man. I went back to school(while I was pregnant with our first baby together) and received my degree as a registered nurse(R.N.). Eventually, we moved our family to Texas,bought a home in a small town and settled into a happy,if not busy life. Somewhere along the way in the twenty something years our very hectic lives,my husband and I forgot the cardinal rule for a happy marriage.No matter how busy you are "Take Care Of each Other".
So here I am at the scary age of 67,living by myself in a lovely senior apartment complex.Both of my exes are married.I am retired due to two work related injuries and live on my income from Social Security/disability checks.There are days I ache for my old life and days when I am so grateful for the life I have now.Yes,there are times when I am really scraping the barrel to pay all of my bills and still buy food and other necessities,but as I stated earlier,I am so profoundly grateful for all of the good things I have.My children are grown and doing well,I love my grandchildren and all in all,I love the life I have now.I don't know how much time I have left,but I am thankful for every single second.Life as I know it now,is still pretty damn good and it sure as hell beats the alternative:)
So here I am at the scary age of 67,living by myself in a lovely senior apartment complex.Both of my exes are married.I am retired due to two work related injuries and live on my income from Social Security/disability checks.There are days I ache for my old life and days when I am so grateful for the life I have now.Yes,there are times when I am really scraping the barrel to pay all of my bills and still buy food and other necessities,but as I stated earlier,I am so profoundly grateful for all of the good things I have.My children are grown and doing well,I love my grandchildren and all in all,I love the life I have now.I don't know how much time I have left,but I am thankful for every single second.Life as I know it now,is still pretty damn good and it sure as hell beats the alternative:)
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Things I Have Learned In My Life;So Far!
I have learned that no matter how bad it is,it can always get worse! I have learned that the good guy does not always win! I have learned that the bad guy does always get caught and pay the consequences for his misdeeds.I have learned that your good deeds often go unnoticed and your bad deeds are discovered quicker than you would like and are rarely forgotten.
I have learned that it is true when you marry in haste that often you repent for a very long,long time.I have learned that nice guys don't always finish first and bad guys don't always finish last.
I have learned that the fable about the grasshopper and the ant is relevant and one definitely needs to emulate the ant and not the grasshopper!
I have learned that the love of your life does not always remain the love of your life and sometimes they leave to look for the love of their life.
I have learned that as one ages that gravity is a bigger disaster to a woman than a man and that women ,as a general rule,do not age as gracefully as a man ages.
I have learned that as one gets older we receive more offers for burial insurance in our mail than offers for life insurance.
I have learned that the older I get each day that I wake up and remember who I am and where I am is one of the best moments of my day.
I have learned why my father used to read the obituaries in the local newspaper every day and quip that he was relieved that he didn't see his name.
Well those are just some of the things that I have learned so far and I look forward to being alive for a long time to see what else life has to teach me.
One of the most important things that I have learned so far,is that one is never too old to learn something new and I look forward to learning something new for many more years!
I have learned that it is true when you marry in haste that often you repent for a very long,long time.I have learned that nice guys don't always finish first and bad guys don't always finish last.
I have learned that the fable about the grasshopper and the ant is relevant and one definitely needs to emulate the ant and not the grasshopper!
I have learned that the love of your life does not always remain the love of your life and sometimes they leave to look for the love of their life.
I have learned that as one ages that gravity is a bigger disaster to a woman than a man and that women ,as a general rule,do not age as gracefully as a man ages.
I have learned that as one gets older we receive more offers for burial insurance in our mail than offers for life insurance.
I have learned that the older I get each day that I wake up and remember who I am and where I am is one of the best moments of my day.
I have learned why my father used to read the obituaries in the local newspaper every day and quip that he was relieved that he didn't see his name.
Well those are just some of the things that I have learned so far and I look forward to being alive for a long time to see what else life has to teach me.
One of the most important things that I have learned so far,is that one is never too old to learn something new and I look forward to learning something new for many more years!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Surviving Getting Older is Not For the Faint Hearted!d
The older I get the harder living and surviving in a fast changing world becomes.Few people saved enough to live retire and live comfortably in their senior years.Health issues are the least of the worries in the majority of people over 55.Between the economy of today,health issues,the cost of Medical and Dental and the continuous threats of politicians of stopping or reducing Social Security payments(which is the only income many seniors have) the seniors of today are faced with increasing worry of how to pay for rent,utilities,food, and other expenses.
Add to those concerns the fear of being dependent on others,unable to drive, or faced with living in a nursing home and to take care of themselves without help.
No one wants to be a burden to their adult children and many seniors are faced with some very difficult decisions as they grow older.Our lifespans are outdistancing the medical research needed to keep humans healthy and able to care for themselves well into the century mark.
However;studies are being conducted all over the world to find ways to keep our brains functioning at a high level and our bodies younger and healthier.
That being said,another problem arises,OVERPOPULATION! Well,as Rosanne Rosanna Danna said."It's always something,if it's not one thing ,it's another"! How right she was:)
Add to those concerns the fear of being dependent on others,unable to drive, or faced with living in a nursing home and to take care of themselves without help.
No one wants to be a burden to their adult children and many seniors are faced with some very difficult decisions as they grow older.Our lifespans are outdistancing the medical research needed to keep humans healthy and able to care for themselves well into the century mark.
However;studies are being conducted all over the world to find ways to keep our brains functioning at a high level and our bodies younger and healthier.
That being said,another problem arises,OVERPOPULATION! Well,as Rosanne Rosanna Danna said."It's always something,if it's not one thing ,it's another"! How right she was:)
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Heartbreaking events for a Mother!
The most heartbreaking thing a mother can experience is to lose a child or have to stand by and watch your child experience a heartbreaking event with her own child.Your grown child doesn't have to lose a child to death to experience that awful feeling of having your her heart break.Losing a court battle to keep your child in your home to a soon to be ex- husband can be almost as agonizingly heartbreaking as having a child die.Adding another layer of pain in that moment is watching the other side gloat over their victory.
As the mother of the adult child and grandmother of the six year old,it breaks your heart on two levels;watching helplessly as you child's heart breaks and the gut wrenching pain of knowing there is nothing you can do to help except listen and be supportive when she needs you.
The ultimate loser in every divorce and custody battle is always the young child.I admire my daughter for her strength during a very painful court process even if the outcome was not in our favor,she did come out with new rulings that allow her more time with her daughter and that will offset much of the pain of not having her daughter living with her.
Time will take care of the living arrangements as my granddaughter will be able to choose for herself whom she wants to live with.For now,my daughter can focus on getting her degree and enjoy the increased time with her daughter.For now that will have to be enough and women are stronger and can withstand a lot more pain than men.I am proud of my daughters accomplishments and her amazing strength.She is an incredible young woman!
As the mother of the adult child and grandmother of the six year old,it breaks your heart on two levels;watching helplessly as you child's heart breaks and the gut wrenching pain of knowing there is nothing you can do to help except listen and be supportive when she needs you.
The ultimate loser in every divorce and custody battle is always the young child.I admire my daughter for her strength during a very painful court process even if the outcome was not in our favor,she did come out with new rulings that allow her more time with her daughter and that will offset much of the pain of not having her daughter living with her.
Time will take care of the living arrangements as my granddaughter will be able to choose for herself whom she wants to live with.For now,my daughter can focus on getting her degree and enjoy the increased time with her daughter.For now that will have to be enough and women are stronger and can withstand a lot more pain than men.I am proud of my daughters accomplishments and her amazing strength.She is an incredible young woman!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
SHOULD WE KNOW WHY THINGS HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES??
There are times when you just sit and wonder what is life all about.Then there are those flashes when your past,present, and future crowd around you all clamoring to tell you what it all means and why.Well, I am here to tell you the real truth.We are not meant to know! Oh, we will flashes of insight at times and go AHA,so that is why that happened or YES,I understand it all now.That happened that way so this would happen and that would take place so I would be able to meet this person and accomplish this so that person would come into my life and I could help them do that.
Do I believe the true meaning of all that has happened will suddenly reveal itself to me?
HELL NO!
I don't believe for one Nano second that any of us will know why,what or anything else about the meaning of our own life and why things happen the way they do while we are living this lifetime.I do believe that is in our highest and best interest not to know,because knowing would alter what we were put here to do and accomplish.
Do I believe the true meaning of all that has happened will suddenly reveal itself to me?
HELL NO!
I don't believe for one Nano second that any of us will know why,what or anything else about the meaning of our own life and why things happen the way they do while we are living this lifetime.I do believe that is in our highest and best interest not to know,because knowing would alter what we were put here to do and accomplish.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Do We Ever Get Over the Loss Of A Loved One?
I fell in love on a Friday night in 1962 at the tender age of sixteen with a 21 yr old young man who drove a brand new shiny red 1959 Chevy Impala.He and his family had just moved back to Louisiana. He had thick black hair,deep brown bedroom eyes and looked like a young Elvis Presley. He was a freshman in college and a member of Kappa Alpha Fraternity. I was hit by the proverbial thunderbolt and I wasn't even Italian.At the time we met, I was out on a sort of date with a goofy guy,James, who was a friend and not a "boyfriend".
Richard and his family had lived in the same neighborhood as James's family before they moved to Wisconsin and James and Chester became best friends.When Richards family moved back to Louisiana they bought a house across the street from James's family and as fate would have it,our lives intersected and my life was forever changed.
Chester wanted James to hang out with him and they asked if I wanted to go with them, but I had no desire to be the third wheel in the two guys reunion aka, "Bromance". James offered to take me home,but Richard took over and offered to take me home so that the two friends could hang out,drink beer and catch up.
Now I was exceedingly shy and rarely went out on a date,preferring to hang out at home,watch television,draw and ride horses on my soon to be stepfather's farm some thirty miles away.I was almost mute sitting in the car beside this gorgeous guy and managed to mumble some sort of answer to his polite questions.He parked in my driveway and I almost panicked,wondering what I should do if he tried to kiss me and desperately hoping he would.He turned toward me with a heart-stopping smile and asked if I wasn't busy Saturday night would I like to go to a movie with him.I managed to get the knot out of my tongue and say yes. He smiled and reached for my hand and I was terrified he could hear the frantic beating of my heart.
My heart nearly stopped then went into overdrive when he shifted closer,cupped my chin,leaned down and gave me my first real kiss.Now I was positive he could hear the wild gallop of my heartbeat.He straightened, smiled again and asked me what I was doing on Sunday and if I wasn't busy would I go for a drive with him.I managed to form the word yes while praying that he wouldn't kiss me again because I figured I'd probably faint and he'd never want to see me again.
Richard and I sat in the car neither of us speaking for a few minutes,then he placed his hand on my cheek,leaned over and kissed me again.After he pulled back he cupped my chin in his hand and turned my face toward him and asked me what I was doing for the rest of my life?
I sat there in the dark car beside him for a minute or a lifetime trying to understand what he meant by what he had just asked me and I realized I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Was it possible he wanted me,loved me too and wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together?I finally managed to nod my head and watched his gorgeous lips form a devastatingly gorgeous smile.
Richard shifted,opened the car door and walked around to my side and opened the door for me.We held hands as he walked me to the door and our kiss was short and achingly sweet. Inside the dark,quiet house,I stood at the window and watched as he drove away and wondered if I would ever see him again and if he had truly meant everything he said or was he just trying to nail a very innocent and inexperienced girl,me!
He was true to his word and I never dated another man.We were married on October 31,1964.A year later we were surprised by the arrival of a son,Richard Charles,II the spitting image of his father. and four years later by a lovely daughter,Jennifer,who inherited the best features of both of us.Richard was offered a promotion as assistant manager in a new store and we moved from Louisiana to Tennessee.We rented an apartment,then moved to a mobile home park. I loved the place we rented and the snow and view of the mountains in the distance but I was not as happy as I had thought I would be.I missed living and working on my stepfathers farm in Louisiana and Richard had been made assistant manager of the store where worked and he was rarely home,except at lunchtime.
After four years of marriage,and at his urging, I became pregnant again and we had a lovely daughter,Jennifer,who inherited the best features of both of us and a few months later Richard was offered another job as the manager of a new store in Phoenix City,Alabama and we moved from Tennessee to Alabama. I hated the place and everything about it.Richard worked from early morning to late at night.I saw him when he came home for lunch,which was rare now, and when he crawled into bed late at night.If he had time off he played ball with Rick and ignored the baby.
A week or two before Christmas,my parents, who were wealthy, sent me plane tickets so the two babies and I could go home for my birthday and fly back home in time for Christmas.We had to leave earlier than expected or stay until after Christmas due to unexpected flight changes. I opted to to leave early so we could spend Christmas at home with Richard. I was surprised when he picked us up at the airport and told me that he was working that night and would be working every night through Christmas.
I sensed something was wrong and I was surprised the next day when I emptied the pockets of his suit before I took it to the cleaners and found a love letter from a woman.Deciding that I would wait until after Christmas to confront him,I tucked the letter back into the pocket and draped the coat over the chair exactly the way I had found it.
Christmas was two days away and I realized I could not keep silent a minute longer and confronted him that night after the little ones were in bed. I was not surprised when he denied he was seeing this girl and told me that she had developed a crush on him and probably sneaked into his office and stuck the letter in his pocket hoping I would find it.
I decided to let it go after he promised he would transfer the girl or fire her and I wanted to believe him and keep our marriage together but I was not stupid and I knew in my heart he was lying.
No,I was not surprised when I received phone calls from well meaning anonymous people telling me that I deserved to know that Richard was cheating on me with a young woman who worked at the store.
I was surprised to find out that she was nineteen and if I do say so,not nearly as attractive just a lot taller.
A few months later, after six years of marriage I was surprised around midnight when he woke me to find him on his knees beside the bed almost in tears and I was surprised by his tearful plea to forgive him for asking for a divorce because he had fallen in love with a younger woman.
I guess is his world forever has a very short lifespan. I packed suitcases for me and my two children and called the two people I trusted most,my mother and stepfather. They didn't hesitate and I heard my stepfather 's sharp curse in the background telling my mother to let him have the phone.I held my breath waiting for his "I told you so.I never liked Richard.Told you not to turn down that scholarship at L.S.U. School of Veterinary Medicine.Told you you not to marry that that man. Instead,I heard him tell my mother to tell me to pack some clothes for me and the babies and come home.There would be tickets waiting for us at the airport and we could stay with them until he could find us a place to live.
So I went home again and grieved in private everyday for the love I had lost and the man who had betrayed my trust.
My stepfather built a small house for me and my two children on 2 of the 100 acres he'd bought after he sold the big farm. He had already built my mother her dream house and my sister and her family and stepbrother and his wife a house.Each house had two acres of land and were spaced so that we were on four corners of the entire acreage but within easy walking distance of the main house and each other.I called it the McElroy compound.
Within a few months my two children and I settled into our new house.My son was old enough to ask about his absent father,but his sister was too young to remember him.
So I grieved at night after the children were fast asleep for all I had lost until my stepfather took me for a ride one day and asked me what I wanted to do,spend the rest of my life crying over a man who was a cheat,a liar and left his children for a life with a new woman? Was I going to spend my time wishing for someone who wasn't worth spitting on or another minute of my time or was I going to square my shoulders and make a new and better life for myself and children.
I enrolled in nursing school within the month,graduated and spent the next few years getting a degree,passing the state boards and finally getting my RN license and raised my children the best I could.Life was not easy or always smooth but it was our life and I did the best I could,but there were times,especially in the quiet dark of my bedroom,I grieved for the love I lost and the man who fell out of love with me and left.
Time passes and it has been over thirty years since our divorce and there are still times I can hear his voice and see him in my son and daughter. Those are the times that it seems as though it all happened just yesterday and the pain of the loss hits almost as fresh and bright as it did all those years ago.So ,no I don't think we ever get over the loss of someone we truly deeply were in love with and lost no matter how much time passes.
It is always with us,dormant and waiting for us to give it life again,than it springs out and seizes us in it's painful and paralyzing grasp until we wrestle it back into our memory until the next time.Get over it completely,no,but we can and do get past it. We can love again and eventually be grateful for the lesson we learned,the good things we remember and the new life we have made for our self. Most of the time,I am very happy and grateful that I was loved,knew love and loved deeply.
Richard and his family had lived in the same neighborhood as James's family before they moved to Wisconsin and James and Chester became best friends.When Richards family moved back to Louisiana they bought a house across the street from James's family and as fate would have it,our lives intersected and my life was forever changed.
Chester wanted James to hang out with him and they asked if I wanted to go with them, but I had no desire to be the third wheel in the two guys reunion aka, "Bromance". James offered to take me home,but Richard took over and offered to take me home so that the two friends could hang out,drink beer and catch up.
Now I was exceedingly shy and rarely went out on a date,preferring to hang out at home,watch television,draw and ride horses on my soon to be stepfather's farm some thirty miles away.I was almost mute sitting in the car beside this gorgeous guy and managed to mumble some sort of answer to his polite questions.He parked in my driveway and I almost panicked,wondering what I should do if he tried to kiss me and desperately hoping he would.He turned toward me with a heart-stopping smile and asked if I wasn't busy Saturday night would I like to go to a movie with him.I managed to get the knot out of my tongue and say yes. He smiled and reached for my hand and I was terrified he could hear the frantic beating of my heart.
My heart nearly stopped then went into overdrive when he shifted closer,cupped my chin,leaned down and gave me my first real kiss.Now I was positive he could hear the wild gallop of my heartbeat.He straightened, smiled again and asked me what I was doing on Sunday and if I wasn't busy would I go for a drive with him.I managed to form the word yes while praying that he wouldn't kiss me again because I figured I'd probably faint and he'd never want to see me again.
Richard and I sat in the car neither of us speaking for a few minutes,then he placed his hand on my cheek,leaned over and kissed me again.After he pulled back he cupped my chin in his hand and turned my face toward him and asked me what I was doing for the rest of my life?
I sat there in the dark car beside him for a minute or a lifetime trying to understand what he meant by what he had just asked me and I realized I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Was it possible he wanted me,loved me too and wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together?I finally managed to nod my head and watched his gorgeous lips form a devastatingly gorgeous smile.
Richard shifted,opened the car door and walked around to my side and opened the door for me.We held hands as he walked me to the door and our kiss was short and achingly sweet. Inside the dark,quiet house,I stood at the window and watched as he drove away and wondered if I would ever see him again and if he had truly meant everything he said or was he just trying to nail a very innocent and inexperienced girl,me!
He was true to his word and I never dated another man.We were married on October 31,1964.A year later we were surprised by the arrival of a son,Richard Charles,II the spitting image of his father. and four years later by a lovely daughter,Jennifer,who inherited the best features of both of us.Richard was offered a promotion as assistant manager in a new store and we moved from Louisiana to Tennessee.We rented an apartment,then moved to a mobile home park. I loved the place we rented and the snow and view of the mountains in the distance but I was not as happy as I had thought I would be.I missed living and working on my stepfathers farm in Louisiana and Richard had been made assistant manager of the store where worked and he was rarely home,except at lunchtime.
After four years of marriage,and at his urging, I became pregnant again and we had a lovely daughter,Jennifer,who inherited the best features of both of us and a few months later Richard was offered another job as the manager of a new store in Phoenix City,Alabama and we moved from Tennessee to Alabama. I hated the place and everything about it.Richard worked from early morning to late at night.I saw him when he came home for lunch,which was rare now, and when he crawled into bed late at night.If he had time off he played ball with Rick and ignored the baby.
A week or two before Christmas,my parents, who were wealthy, sent me plane tickets so the two babies and I could go home for my birthday and fly back home in time for Christmas.We had to leave earlier than expected or stay until after Christmas due to unexpected flight changes. I opted to to leave early so we could spend Christmas at home with Richard. I was surprised when he picked us up at the airport and told me that he was working that night and would be working every night through Christmas.
I sensed something was wrong and I was surprised the next day when I emptied the pockets of his suit before I took it to the cleaners and found a love letter from a woman.Deciding that I would wait until after Christmas to confront him,I tucked the letter back into the pocket and draped the coat over the chair exactly the way I had found it.
Christmas was two days away and I realized I could not keep silent a minute longer and confronted him that night after the little ones were in bed. I was not surprised when he denied he was seeing this girl and told me that she had developed a crush on him and probably sneaked into his office and stuck the letter in his pocket hoping I would find it.
I decided to let it go after he promised he would transfer the girl or fire her and I wanted to believe him and keep our marriage together but I was not stupid and I knew in my heart he was lying.
No,I was not surprised when I received phone calls from well meaning anonymous people telling me that I deserved to know that Richard was cheating on me with a young woman who worked at the store.
I was surprised to find out that she was nineteen and if I do say so,not nearly as attractive just a lot taller.
A few months later, after six years of marriage I was surprised around midnight when he woke me to find him on his knees beside the bed almost in tears and I was surprised by his tearful plea to forgive him for asking for a divorce because he had fallen in love with a younger woman.
I guess is his world forever has a very short lifespan. I packed suitcases for me and my two children and called the two people I trusted most,my mother and stepfather. They didn't hesitate and I heard my stepfather 's sharp curse in the background telling my mother to let him have the phone.I held my breath waiting for his "I told you so.I never liked Richard.Told you not to turn down that scholarship at L.S.U. School of Veterinary Medicine.Told you you not to marry that that man. Instead,I heard him tell my mother to tell me to pack some clothes for me and the babies and come home.There would be tickets waiting for us at the airport and we could stay with them until he could find us a place to live.
So I went home again and grieved in private everyday for the love I had lost and the man who had betrayed my trust.
My stepfather built a small house for me and my two children on 2 of the 100 acres he'd bought after he sold the big farm. He had already built my mother her dream house and my sister and her family and stepbrother and his wife a house.Each house had two acres of land and were spaced so that we were on four corners of the entire acreage but within easy walking distance of the main house and each other.I called it the McElroy compound.
Within a few months my two children and I settled into our new house.My son was old enough to ask about his absent father,but his sister was too young to remember him.
So I grieved at night after the children were fast asleep for all I had lost until my stepfather took me for a ride one day and asked me what I wanted to do,spend the rest of my life crying over a man who was a cheat,a liar and left his children for a life with a new woman? Was I going to spend my time wishing for someone who wasn't worth spitting on or another minute of my time or was I going to square my shoulders and make a new and better life for myself and children.
I enrolled in nursing school within the month,graduated and spent the next few years getting a degree,passing the state boards and finally getting my RN license and raised my children the best I could.Life was not easy or always smooth but it was our life and I did the best I could,but there were times,especially in the quiet dark of my bedroom,I grieved for the love I lost and the man who fell out of love with me and left.
Time passes and it has been over thirty years since our divorce and there are still times I can hear his voice and see him in my son and daughter. Those are the times that it seems as though it all happened just yesterday and the pain of the loss hits almost as fresh and bright as it did all those years ago.So ,no I don't think we ever get over the loss of someone we truly deeply were in love with and lost no matter how much time passes.
It is always with us,dormant and waiting for us to give it life again,than it springs out and seizes us in it's painful and paralyzing grasp until we wrestle it back into our memory until the next time.Get over it completely,no,but we can and do get past it. We can love again and eventually be grateful for the lesson we learned,the good things we remember and the new life we have made for our self. Most of the time,I am very happy and grateful that I was loved,knew love and loved deeply.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
SNAFU and Welcome to Health&Human Services
This is a military term and describes most government agencies perfectly.For those who are not familiar with the term it means "Situation Normal,All Fucked Up"!
Unfortunately,almost everyone has experienced the tedious paperwork associated with many Government agencies,passports,car registrations,social security benefits,marriage licenses,and probably the worst two offenders the IRS and Health and Human Service. At least we all know the difficulties facing us with all the agencies except Health and Human Services.
Right off the bat,the name is deceiving.What you see is not what you get.What you get is an agency designed to test your stamina and perseverance. On your arrival at the office you sign in and spend hours sitting in a hard chair waiting for someone to call your name.
When you name is finally called you are told you should have already filled out a form that you didn't know you needed to fill out before you can be seen. The long involved form would even challenge the expertise of a lawyer.
Once you have the form filled out you turn it in and continue to wait your turn to actually see your case worker.That could take several more hours. Eventually your name is called and you stand up(stiff from sitting so long) and off you go into the back room,through a warren of cubicles and finally reach your goal,your assigned case worker. if you are lucky she will be in a fairly friendly mood.I say she because most of the staff seem to be females.
She enters your info into her computer and then tells you what assistance you do and don't qualify for. That's it,you are done at least for this day.Unfortunately you may or may not have to make several of the trips to the office where you will sit and wait until someone calls your name again and if you are very lucky,you receive your CARD.
The Card entitles you to SNAPS benefits,formally known as food stamps.Hopefully that is it and you are done.Don't hold your breath though.You may have to repeat the entire process because they lost your paperwork or several other reasons only the State of Texas understands.
Let's say,just for grins that everything is official and you understand what you can and can not purchase with your card and you are over the embarrassment of needing to use your card at the local grocery store to buy the acceptable foods on the list.
Do not think that is the end of it. A year later a complicated form arrives in the mail for you to fill out and send back to Texas Health and Human Services in order to continue receiving those benefits.Woe is the person who does not fill out the form correctly and send back within the designated time period. That person will have to start over from the beginning as if this was their first time to apply even though their data is still in the files.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Texas Health and Human Services!
Unfortunately,almost everyone has experienced the tedious paperwork associated with many Government agencies,passports,car registrations,social security benefits,marriage licenses,and probably the worst two offenders the IRS and Health and Human Service. At least we all know the difficulties facing us with all the agencies except Health and Human Services.
Right off the bat,the name is deceiving.What you see is not what you get.What you get is an agency designed to test your stamina and perseverance. On your arrival at the office you sign in and spend hours sitting in a hard chair waiting for someone to call your name.
When you name is finally called you are told you should have already filled out a form that you didn't know you needed to fill out before you can be seen. The long involved form would even challenge the expertise of a lawyer.
Once you have the form filled out you turn it in and continue to wait your turn to actually see your case worker.That could take several more hours. Eventually your name is called and you stand up(stiff from sitting so long) and off you go into the back room,through a warren of cubicles and finally reach your goal,your assigned case worker. if you are lucky she will be in a fairly friendly mood.I say she because most of the staff seem to be females.
She enters your info into her computer and then tells you what assistance you do and don't qualify for. That's it,you are done at least for this day.Unfortunately you may or may not have to make several of the trips to the office where you will sit and wait until someone calls your name again and if you are very lucky,you receive your CARD.
The Card entitles you to SNAPS benefits,formally known as food stamps.Hopefully that is it and you are done.Don't hold your breath though.You may have to repeat the entire process because they lost your paperwork or several other reasons only the State of Texas understands.
Let's say,just for grins that everything is official and you understand what you can and can not purchase with your card and you are over the embarrassment of needing to use your card at the local grocery store to buy the acceptable foods on the list.
Do not think that is the end of it. A year later a complicated form arrives in the mail for you to fill out and send back to Texas Health and Human Services in order to continue receiving those benefits.Woe is the person who does not fill out the form correctly and send back within the designated time period. That person will have to start over from the beginning as if this was their first time to apply even though their data is still in the files.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Texas Health and Human Services!
Monday, February 6, 2012
PASSING ON FAMILY HISTORYand STORYS
A few months ago I was staying with my best friends while I searched for a new place to live.Mark and I were sitting in the living room and I began to tell him some stories of my childhood and stories of my family and ancestors. We were laughing when it hit me and I realized that there was no one left alive who knew me growing up, no one who knew me from birth through my teen years. These wonderful,sad,amusing,heartbreaking, amazing stories would be lost after I died(hopefully many years from now).
A cold fist closed around my heart,a painful ache coiled in my belly, a painful lump stuck in my throat as the reality sucker punched me in my belly taking my breath away.I don't think I have ever felt so alone as I did in that moment. That was the first time that it really hit me that I am essentially an orphan,the only person left alive who knows my own story and remembers all of the stories my mother,grandparents, and my great Aunt Jessie told me about the life and times of the Hearne and Caldwell family. Tears flowed as a myriad of emotions overwhelmed me
Mark,bless his wonderful kind heart, waited until most of the storm passed before he spoke.
I listened as his gentle voice offered words of compassion,understanding and a gentle kick in the butt. "You are a writer and you need to write these stories down before they are lost forever.It just takes doing it!It's up to you to pass them on."
Well it is now February 2012 and has been almost six months since that day and I am settled into a wonderful apartment in a new senior complex. Life is better and I am healthier in body mind and soul.
This morning I cleaned my apartment,took care of paying bills and sat down to catch up on my e-mails. A very disturbing dream I had about a week ago,pushed it's way back into my consciousness and I realized it was past time to begin my autobiography. I want my children and my grandchildren to know who I came from and what made me who I was and who I am today. I want them to know who my side of the family were and laugh at the funny stories,cry at the sad and be amazed as I was when I heard them the first time. I don't want those stories lost and I am the last so it is up to me to tell them and ensure they and my ancestors are not forgotten. So I will gird my loins(as it were) and write. Hopefully, they and all that come after them will enjoy the stories for many years and pass them on through the years even after I am gone. No one ever truly dies as long as they are remembered by someone.
A cold fist closed around my heart,a painful ache coiled in my belly, a painful lump stuck in my throat as the reality sucker punched me in my belly taking my breath away.I don't think I have ever felt so alone as I did in that moment. That was the first time that it really hit me that I am essentially an orphan,the only person left alive who knows my own story and remembers all of the stories my mother,grandparents, and my great Aunt Jessie told me about the life and times of the Hearne and Caldwell family. Tears flowed as a myriad of emotions overwhelmed me
Mark,bless his wonderful kind heart, waited until most of the storm passed before he spoke.
I listened as his gentle voice offered words of compassion,understanding and a gentle kick in the butt. "You are a writer and you need to write these stories down before they are lost forever.It just takes doing it!It's up to you to pass them on."
Well it is now February 2012 and has been almost six months since that day and I am settled into a wonderful apartment in a new senior complex. Life is better and I am healthier in body mind and soul.
This morning I cleaned my apartment,took care of paying bills and sat down to catch up on my e-mails. A very disturbing dream I had about a week ago,pushed it's way back into my consciousness and I realized it was past time to begin my autobiography. I want my children and my grandchildren to know who I came from and what made me who I was and who I am today. I want them to know who my side of the family were and laugh at the funny stories,cry at the sad and be amazed as I was when I heard them the first time. I don't want those stories lost and I am the last so it is up to me to tell them and ensure they and my ancestors are not forgotten. So I will gird my loins(as it were) and write. Hopefully, they and all that come after them will enjoy the stories for many years and pass them on through the years even after I am gone. No one ever truly dies as long as they are remembered by someone.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Manuscript Revision Intimadation!
Does you manuscript intimidate you? Do you sit down and tremble with fear at the thought of massive rewrites, fixing scenes you have repeated,finding and correcting errors you have made in descriptions of your characters or writing a great scene that is totally out of character for them?
Have you ever written yourself and or your characters into a corner and can't figure out how to write yourself and your characters out of it.Sort of like painting yourself into a corner and having to wait until the paint dries before you can escape.
If you don't and never have,you probably aren't a writer and you won't understand what on earth I am talking about.For those of you who are nodding your head in total understanding, just curious, contemplating writing the great next novel,or have been working on another or your first manuscript, this blog is geared for you.
I have been writing novels for six or seven years now.I am not published yet,but my latest work in progress,"Evolution of Monsters" just might be," The One"!
This novel started out as a"just for fun" serial story on my blog.Somewhere along the wayI fell in love with the unique concept,the characters,and telling the story. A light bulb clicked in my writers brain and I realized it needed to be a novel.That was the beginning of my woes.
I copied and pasted the stories into a new document and I was on my way to writing a new manuscript that I was really excited about.Little did I know how this one manuscript would affect me. For months I sat in front of my laptop and worked to weave a cohesive manuscript out of these pages of a serial blog story. I rewrote scenes,deleted scenes,revised scenes,and worked to weave a new full length story out of pages of short serial blog stories.
I revised,deleted,wrote new material,fleshed out scenes,added new characters and weaved a new story out of the original serial bog story.
Six months passed and I was bogged down with scenes that didn't work,repetitions of scenes written in a different way,timelines that didn't work,new material that didn't flow,etc.etc!
After almost a year of the most frustrating writing experience I have ever had, I began to avoid even looking at the icon on my laptop for E.V.O.M.
Merely seeing the icon on my computer screen turned the blood in my veins to ice water.I didn't just have a case of writer's block, after a few days I could not even force myself to open my document and even avoided even looking at the icon on my desktop as though it had the plague.
After a few months, I opened the document and stared at the prologue until I felt steady enough to scroll through with the intent to revise,delete,rewrite as needed.After an hour of reading through the manuscript with the intent to rewrite,revise,and delete as needed,I closed the document and walked away.
That was probably the beginning of the longest and blackest moments in my writing career and sadly it continues into this new year of 2012.This is the first time in more than a year that I have confronted the issue head on.Maybe this post is my way of exorcising the demons so I can begin again. I still love the concept,the characters and the story.Now I hope that I will begin to love writing the story again.
I know it won't be an easy fix,but I am a writer and I can do this.I can conquer the ball of ice in my belly and pounding of my heart whenever I sit down and start to open the document.
Writers can't not write and I am not going to be intimidated by a story that I created.I still believe it is a damned good story and I will do whatever it takes to finish it.
That being said,I think that I'll go clean house or maybe do a bit of shopping and start tomorrow.One more day won't hurt. After all,as Miss Scarlet said."I won't think about that now.I'll think about that tomorrow.After all,tomorrow is another day!"
Have you ever written yourself and or your characters into a corner and can't figure out how to write yourself and your characters out of it.Sort of like painting yourself into a corner and having to wait until the paint dries before you can escape.
If you don't and never have,you probably aren't a writer and you won't understand what on earth I am talking about.For those of you who are nodding your head in total understanding, just curious, contemplating writing the great next novel,or have been working on another or your first manuscript, this blog is geared for you.
I have been writing novels for six or seven years now.I am not published yet,but my latest work in progress,"Evolution of Monsters" just might be," The One"!
This novel started out as a"just for fun" serial story on my blog.Somewhere along the wayI fell in love with the unique concept,the characters,and telling the story. A light bulb clicked in my writers brain and I realized it needed to be a novel.That was the beginning of my woes.
I copied and pasted the stories into a new document and I was on my way to writing a new manuscript that I was really excited about.Little did I know how this one manuscript would affect me. For months I sat in front of my laptop and worked to weave a cohesive manuscript out of these pages of a serial blog story. I rewrote scenes,deleted scenes,revised scenes,and worked to weave a new full length story out of pages of short serial blog stories.
I revised,deleted,wrote new material,fleshed out scenes,added new characters and weaved a new story out of the original serial bog story.
Six months passed and I was bogged down with scenes that didn't work,repetitions of scenes written in a different way,timelines that didn't work,new material that didn't flow,etc.etc!
After almost a year of the most frustrating writing experience I have ever had, I began to avoid even looking at the icon on my laptop for E.V.O.M.
Merely seeing the icon on my computer screen turned the blood in my veins to ice water.I didn't just have a case of writer's block, after a few days I could not even force myself to open my document and even avoided even looking at the icon on my desktop as though it had the plague.
After a few months, I opened the document and stared at the prologue until I felt steady enough to scroll through with the intent to revise,delete,rewrite as needed.After an hour of reading through the manuscript with the intent to rewrite,revise,and delete as needed,I closed the document and walked away.
That was probably the beginning of the longest and blackest moments in my writing career and sadly it continues into this new year of 2012.This is the first time in more than a year that I have confronted the issue head on.Maybe this post is my way of exorcising the demons so I can begin again. I still love the concept,the characters and the story.Now I hope that I will begin to love writing the story again.
I know it won't be an easy fix,but I am a writer and I can do this.I can conquer the ball of ice in my belly and pounding of my heart whenever I sit down and start to open the document.
Writers can't not write and I am not going to be intimidated by a story that I created.I still believe it is a damned good story and I will do whatever it takes to finish it.
That being said,I think that I'll go clean house or maybe do a bit of shopping and start tomorrow.One more day won't hurt. After all,as Miss Scarlet said."I won't think about that now.I'll think about that tomorrow.After all,tomorrow is another day!"
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2012,New Year,New Beginnings?
2012! How exciting to be faced with a new year and the potential it brings to leave the old behind and begin fresh.Facing the new can be a two edged sword for all of us, especially if we have unfinished business from the old year still hovering around us like Scrooge's ghosts from Christmases past.Time to put those regrets and missed opportunities behind us and say farewell to the mistakes we made,things we wished we had done or not done and said or not said.
This is the time to look ahead and make those plans. Whether it is to finish that novel or start a new one. Send in that query,finish those revisions,paint that room,take those singing lessons or write that long overdue letter to a friend you have lost touch with.The new year is a blank slate and is and can be whatever we want it to be, whatever we choose to make it.
So make those New Years resolutions with optimism and resolve to carry through with each and every one and if you fall short,well God willing and if the creek don't rise,there is a new year just around the corner of the old! So Happy New Year to all,gotta go now and make out my new list of gonna do's for this year.
P.S. I'm adding all those gonna do's from last year that I never got around to doing!
This is the time to look ahead and make those plans. Whether it is to finish that novel or start a new one. Send in that query,finish those revisions,paint that room,take those singing lessons or write that long overdue letter to a friend you have lost touch with.The new year is a blank slate and is and can be whatever we want it to be, whatever we choose to make it.
So make those New Years resolutions with optimism and resolve to carry through with each and every one and if you fall short,well God willing and if the creek don't rise,there is a new year just around the corner of the old! So Happy New Year to all,gotta go now and make out my new list of gonna do's for this year.
P.S. I'm adding all those gonna do's from last year that I never got around to doing!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
HOLIDAYS ARE NOT HAPPY FOR EVERYONE!!
For the first time in my life I am not looking forward to the Christmas holidays.This year I find myself living in a lovely senior apartment complex.now that isn't the problem.The problem is out of sight /out of mind! My children rarely call me,my friends don't visit and rarely call.I have little to no money left after paying all my bills,so I can't even go shopping for gifts.I understand now why so many people commit suicide during the major holidays,especially Christmas.
No I am am not thinking about doing away with myself,but I can understand why many choose to do so.Years ago,when I was a young and foolish wife and mother,I remember wishing I could live alone,with no one to tell me what to do or interrupting my writing or asking me to pay attention to them. I resented having to cook,clean house,take care of a husband and toddlers.I wanted to be free to watch the television shows I wanted to see instead of fishing shows every Saturday morning. Wishing I were alone so I could read my books uninterrupted or watch a movie all the way to the end without having to stop and cook dinner or play with a bored child.
Well I am sixty six,almost sixty seven and finally got what I wished for all those years ago.No one interrupts me,there are no children clamoring for my attention and no husband to take care of and pay attention to. Now I watch movies all the way through uninterrupted by anyone.
I read until the wee hours of the morning,write whenever I am inspired to do so and cook only when I want to.I don't have to rush around buying tons of Christmas presents,cook holiday meals,wrap presents,etc. I can eat fast food instead of slaving for hours over a hot stove cooking huge holiday dinners. Sounds great in theory,at least I thought so at one time.
The reality is not! My apartment is quiet,too quiet.No laughter of children,no mad wrapping presents or putting together toys until the wee hours of the morning before collapsing in bed and making love to my husband and snuggling against his warm comforting body for a few hours before the kids get up and the madhouse begins.Christmas morning there will be no sounds of laughter and delight at what Santa left under the huge Christmas tree.There are no warm hugs from my children. No kissing my husband under the mistletoe or snuggling on the sofa with his strong arms wrapped around me while we watch our children tear into the presents we spent hours wrapping. No treks to the grandparents house for the family gift exchange and helping my mother-in-law cook Christmas dinner for our huge family.
Yes I got what I wished for and I would give almost anything in the world to go back to what I had then. As I have said before.Be careful what you wish for,you just might get it!
This year,my first Christmas alone,I wish more than ever that I could go back in time knowing what I do now. I would cherish those times with my family. Yes, I want a do over and I wonder where those Christmas Spirits that visited Scrooge were when I needed them?
No I am am not thinking about doing away with myself,but I can understand why many choose to do so.Years ago,when I was a young and foolish wife and mother,I remember wishing I could live alone,with no one to tell me what to do or interrupting my writing or asking me to pay attention to them. I resented having to cook,clean house,take care of a husband and toddlers.I wanted to be free to watch the television shows I wanted to see instead of fishing shows every Saturday morning. Wishing I were alone so I could read my books uninterrupted or watch a movie all the way to the end without having to stop and cook dinner or play with a bored child.
Well I am sixty six,almost sixty seven and finally got what I wished for all those years ago.No one interrupts me,there are no children clamoring for my attention and no husband to take care of and pay attention to. Now I watch movies all the way through uninterrupted by anyone.
I read until the wee hours of the morning,write whenever I am inspired to do so and cook only when I want to.I don't have to rush around buying tons of Christmas presents,cook holiday meals,wrap presents,etc. I can eat fast food instead of slaving for hours over a hot stove cooking huge holiday dinners. Sounds great in theory,at least I thought so at one time.
The reality is not! My apartment is quiet,too quiet.No laughter of children,no mad wrapping presents or putting together toys until the wee hours of the morning before collapsing in bed and making love to my husband and snuggling against his warm comforting body for a few hours before the kids get up and the madhouse begins.Christmas morning there will be no sounds of laughter and delight at what Santa left under the huge Christmas tree.There are no warm hugs from my children. No kissing my husband under the mistletoe or snuggling on the sofa with his strong arms wrapped around me while we watch our children tear into the presents we spent hours wrapping. No treks to the grandparents house for the family gift exchange and helping my mother-in-law cook Christmas dinner for our huge family.
Yes I got what I wished for and I would give almost anything in the world to go back to what I had then. As I have said before.Be careful what you wish for,you just might get it!
This year,my first Christmas alone,I wish more than ever that I could go back in time knowing what I do now. I would cherish those times with my family. Yes, I want a do over and I wonder where those Christmas Spirits that visited Scrooge were when I needed them?
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
November Tradition& What It Takes To Be A Writer
First let me give the official title.(National NovemberWritingMonth). The goal of NaNoWriMo is to write 150,000 words in 30 days. Sounds simple doesn't it? Well,let me tell you it is not so easy. 150,ooo words in a month is a lot to tackle. I can do it if,I can find the discipline to stop editing as I go and just write the story, hell bent for leather. This is my third year to participate in this world wide event.I have not been an official winner as the first person to reach the goal.but I am a winner nevertheless by ending up with a new manuscript to revise,polish and hopefully have a new novel ready to send to a publisher or agent.Many new novels have been products of NaNo. Maybe this will be my year and if it isn't, well there is always next year or the next!
I love taking a thought,a phrase, an idea, a dream or even a few words and turning it into a story,then creating new characters,breathing life into them and weaving them into the story. Deciding their fate,what experiences they will go through.Love,Marriage, Danger or sometimes even their death. everything that happens or doesn't happen depends on me to create it.
Writing is not an easy job,it can be a lonely,frustrating job.At times,the words don't come easy,pulling them out of a fuzzy mind,bleary with lack of sleep or worry over not enough money to pay the bills,problems with children and just coping with life in general can leave a writer floundering and desperate for the next scene to slide into place,the next words to flow from our mind and slide into just the right place. If we are lucky,very lucky we reach a satisfactory end to the story with at least some of our sanity intact. Maybe,just maybe we will get lucky and find an agent or a publisher who wants to take a chance and turn our story into a book.
I won't even go into how slim the chances are for that to happen.That being said,writers truly cannot,not write. No matter what,we are back at it almost as soon as we type or write,The End.
I love taking a thought,a phrase, an idea, a dream or even a few words and turning it into a story,then creating new characters,breathing life into them and weaving them into the story. Deciding their fate,what experiences they will go through.Love,Marriage, Danger or sometimes even their death. everything that happens or doesn't happen depends on me to create it.
Writing is not an easy job,it can be a lonely,frustrating job.At times,the words don't come easy,pulling them out of a fuzzy mind,bleary with lack of sleep or worry over not enough money to pay the bills,problems with children and just coping with life in general can leave a writer floundering and desperate for the next scene to slide into place,the next words to flow from our mind and slide into just the right place. If we are lucky,very lucky we reach a satisfactory end to the story with at least some of our sanity intact. Maybe,just maybe we will get lucky and find an agent or a publisher who wants to take a chance and turn our story into a book.
I won't even go into how slim the chances are for that to happen.That being said,writers truly cannot,not write. No matter what,we are back at it almost as soon as we type or write,The End.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
IS IT DEPRESSION OR A CASE OF THE BLUES?
Good question and one that I suppose only an expert can diagnose. Speaking from experience I can honestly say there is a difference and it does matter.Unfortunately,one can lead to the other and both need to be treated by a professional. Whatever it takes to relieve the symptoms and get to the underlying cause should be done before things go too far My family ancestry pretty much guaranteed I would inherit both maladies as well as a predisposition for alcoholism.
My ancestors were Irish,English,Welsh, and Native American(Choctaw and Cherokee).
Growing up,I experienced both of these forms of depression with my parents. My father had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. When he drank,which he did at an increasing rate until a few months before his death at the age of 42 from a cerebral hemorrhage, he would be generous and loving one minute and cruel the next.
My mother didn't drink,but she was just as mercurial and would have days that she would lie in bed and cry.On those days she was either indifferent to us or dispensed spankings for the smallest infractions. Those dark days,she blamed on her Black Irish Moods. Fortunately, they were interspersed with days of smiles,manic house cleaning,baking,bedtime stories and a loving tenderness toward me and my younger sister.
I learned at a very early age to assess the moods of my parents in an instant and became adept at becoming a ghost or saying and doing just the right thing in the moment.Unfortunately, my stubborn and independent personality,coupled with a hot temper and inability to keep my mouth shut, assured me of many spankings.
As I grew older,I learned to become a ghost and dissappear.I spent most of my earliest childhood outside with my dog,Poco. Day or night,I stayed outside as long as possible to avoid the uneasy and ever-changing moods of my parents.My temper became worse and more destructive until I had little control of it and it had more and more control over me.
When I was eleven,my mother and father separated and divorced. By this time I hated and loved my father and my mother. I had no friends and preferred the company of my dog,Prissy.
Two years later,my mother met and married her very wealthy boss.I adored my new stepfather. When we moved to his farm when I was twelve and he gave me my first horse,I fell head over heels in love with him. He was everything to me. Everything I had ever wanted and needed from my father,he gave.
When I turned eighteen,I met a 21 year old college freshman,fell in lust and we were married a few months later.Within a few weeks i was miserable.I missed the farm,my horses and most of all my stepfather.I had nothing in common with the man I married. I missed the farm,my horses and most of all,my stepfather.I'm not sure when the dark moods began to take over.I was in too deep to recognize them as such.My husband certainly didn't seem to notice and if he did he ignored them.
After six years and two children,we divorced and I moved back to Louisiana.The old farm and my horses were gone,but my stepfather and mother had a new smaller farm and they welcomed me home.I was home again. Living on a new farm,with a new horse and back with my family.
Nothing was the same as it had been,but I didn't care,or so I thought
Before long dark despair would creep in at odd times and overwhelm me.I went for long solitary walks or rides on my horse and let the dark moods and crying jags come until the blackness would ease and I could breathe again. I appeared to function normally. I went to work,shopped, laughed with my family. No one seemed to notice,the laughter was hollow and never reached my eyes. I kept my inner torment and dark thoughts well hidden for many years.
My older children grew up and left home.I went to work,and appeared to be happy.No one,not even my present husband knew how miserable I was and how well I had learned to hide my dark thoughts of ending it all and my deep bouts of depression. I preferred to be alone as much as possible because it was easier to hide how I felt deep inside.When my son was killed in an accident,I wrapped myself in a cocoon of calm strength and held it together. Only when I was alone did I allow the tears and the darkness and grief to take over so I could release enough of the pressure to survive and keep going.
This cycle continued until my husband walked out ,leaving me and my youngest daughter alone and only then did I give in and seek help.Medication and therapy pulled me trough that very dark time.Eventually,I functioned normally(whatever the hell that is)!
However;I still have dark days, days when those, "Black Irish Moods",as my mother called them, creep in and send me to my knees.Sometimes,I give in and crawl into my cave. Let the thoughts of despair,doubt,fear,regret,memories of the past and everything I have lost and everyone who is gone overwhelm me. I don't fight it,I embrace it ,then let it go until the next time it creeps up on me and I let it in.I treasure the memories as much as I hate the losses. But,I am a survivor and I have more good days than bad.I am blessed with friends and family who love and care about me as much as I do them them. I am a survivor. I don't regret or curse what my ancestors have passed on to me. They have given me,courage,strength,perseverance, a gift of the gab, and the strong belief that Magic,Spirits,the Fey and all the things that go bump in the night, still exist in the world. SLA'N,( Gaelic for Farewell).
My ancestors were Irish,English,Welsh, and Native American(Choctaw and Cherokee).
Growing up,I experienced both of these forms of depression with my parents. My father had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. When he drank,which he did at an increasing rate until a few months before his death at the age of 42 from a cerebral hemorrhage, he would be generous and loving one minute and cruel the next.
My mother didn't drink,but she was just as mercurial and would have days that she would lie in bed and cry.On those days she was either indifferent to us or dispensed spankings for the smallest infractions. Those dark days,she blamed on her Black Irish Moods. Fortunately, they were interspersed with days of smiles,manic house cleaning,baking,bedtime stories and a loving tenderness toward me and my younger sister.
I learned at a very early age to assess the moods of my parents in an instant and became adept at becoming a ghost or saying and doing just the right thing in the moment.Unfortunately, my stubborn and independent personality,coupled with a hot temper and inability to keep my mouth shut, assured me of many spankings.
As I grew older,I learned to become a ghost and dissappear.I spent most of my earliest childhood outside with my dog,Poco. Day or night,I stayed outside as long as possible to avoid the uneasy and ever-changing moods of my parents.My temper became worse and more destructive until I had little control of it and it had more and more control over me.
When I was eleven,my mother and father separated and divorced. By this time I hated and loved my father and my mother. I had no friends and preferred the company of my dog,Prissy.
Two years later,my mother met and married her very wealthy boss.I adored my new stepfather. When we moved to his farm when I was twelve and he gave me my first horse,I fell head over heels in love with him. He was everything to me. Everything I had ever wanted and needed from my father,he gave.
When I turned eighteen,I met a 21 year old college freshman,fell in lust and we were married a few months later.Within a few weeks i was miserable.I missed the farm,my horses and most of all my stepfather.I had nothing in common with the man I married. I missed the farm,my horses and most of all,my stepfather.I'm not sure when the dark moods began to take over.I was in too deep to recognize them as such.My husband certainly didn't seem to notice and if he did he ignored them.
After six years and two children,we divorced and I moved back to Louisiana.The old farm and my horses were gone,but my stepfather and mother had a new smaller farm and they welcomed me home.I was home again. Living on a new farm,with a new horse and back with my family.
Nothing was the same as it had been,but I didn't care,or so I thought
Before long dark despair would creep in at odd times and overwhelm me.I went for long solitary walks or rides on my horse and let the dark moods and crying jags come until the blackness would ease and I could breathe again. I appeared to function normally. I went to work,shopped, laughed with my family. No one seemed to notice,the laughter was hollow and never reached my eyes. I kept my inner torment and dark thoughts well hidden for many years.
My older children grew up and left home.I went to work,and appeared to be happy.No one,not even my present husband knew how miserable I was and how well I had learned to hide my dark thoughts of ending it all and my deep bouts of depression. I preferred to be alone as much as possible because it was easier to hide how I felt deep inside.When my son was killed in an accident,I wrapped myself in a cocoon of calm strength and held it together. Only when I was alone did I allow the tears and the darkness and grief to take over so I could release enough of the pressure to survive and keep going.
This cycle continued until my husband walked out ,leaving me and my youngest daughter alone and only then did I give in and seek help.Medication and therapy pulled me trough that very dark time.Eventually,I functioned normally(whatever the hell that is)!
However;I still have dark days, days when those, "Black Irish Moods",as my mother called them, creep in and send me to my knees.Sometimes,I give in and crawl into my cave. Let the thoughts of despair,doubt,fear,regret,memories of the past and everything I have lost and everyone who is gone overwhelm me. I don't fight it,I embrace it ,then let it go until the next time it creeps up on me and I let it in.I treasure the memories as much as I hate the losses. But,I am a survivor and I have more good days than bad.I am blessed with friends and family who love and care about me as much as I do them them. I am a survivor. I don't regret or curse what my ancestors have passed on to me. They have given me,courage,strength,perseverance, a gift of the gab, and the strong belief that Magic,Spirits,the Fey and all the things that go bump in the night, still exist in the world. SLA'N,( Gaelic for Farewell).
Friday, September 30, 2011
THE HORRIBLE,TERRIBLE,REALLY BAD DAY.
Two days ago was the computer screw up from Hell.That being said,I will admit I did it to myself and spent about twelve hours trying to undo the mess I inadvertently made. I decided to follow the directions on a message I received a Hotmail message,telling me my Facebook account had been used by someone to open an account and gave me a link to follow to change my password.
I followed the link and changed my password and started a snowball effect that had me so confused ended up changing user names,other passwords and writing the info on sticky notes. However; apparently, I wrote down wrong information on some of the sticky notes and not enough information on the others.By the end of the day,I was frustrated,angry at myself and very discouraged with the huge mess I had inadvertently created.I am the first to admit that I am technology challenged.Actually,I am amazingly,frustratingly,notoriously awful with almost anything that is technology based.Occasionally I stumble upon the solution and accidentally fix the problem,but those instances are exceedingly rare.Operative word being RARE.
I finally gave up and put out an S.O.S. call to Mark,who is in my world,THE COMPUTER GOD!Once again he came to my rescue and fixed the mess I had created.By the time he left,I had a folder with a printed list of my user names,passwords,etc. I will endeavor to be more aware and carefully write down the correct information anytime I change passwords,etc.
I suppose you are wondering about my intelligence level. Well,I graduated from a university with a degree in nursing with a grade point average of 3.9 and made one of the highest grades in the state on my state board exams.I worked as a research study nurse for a number of years then as a Hospice case manager until I took early retirement due to work related injuries.
I am reasonably intelligent,but have a learning disability and dyslexia in math.Apparently I have a major disability with anything pertaining to computers.I read the" Dummy"how to books and manuals on computers and I they might as well be printed in ancient Aztec.I just don't understand the lingo no matter how often I read or reread the subject matter.The one class I found and attended was a complete failure.I couldn't figure out how to turn the computer on.You may laugh,but it was very traumatic to have the instructor lead the class in laughter at my total lack of computer skills.Needless to say,I never went back to that class.
Eventually,I bought and Apple, as they were called back then and I learned some basic skills. I own a Dell now and I can maneuver around and get some things done,but I am far from being able to do so many of the things I want to be able to do.Well,I digress.Back to my really horrible day.
I received and email that someone had used my Facebook account to get into Facebook and was told to follow the link and change my password.After screwing that task up and inadvertently, creating a snowball effect,by changing other passwords and forgetting user names and trying to change those I spent twelve hours trying to fix the horrible mess I had inadvertently created.
I finally,gave up in frustration and sent an S.O.S. email to my friend,Mark.I call him the Computer God. He always comes through and fixes whatever fiasco I have created while trying to fix something myself.
As always he smiles and laughs at me and then fixes whatever problem I have created this time.By the time he left,Everything was back to normal and I had a very nice print out of my sites complete with user names and current passwords. After a big bear hug and a reminder to write down any changes I make to passwords,etc.he got in his car and drove away into the sunset.Once again,he had ridden in,saved the day and rode away into the sunset. Thanks Mark
Just a closing thought,but maybe I change his name and should call him the"Lone Computer Ranger". Hmmm,probably no. Unless I write it down,I'll probably forget his user name and how to find him again!
I followed the link and changed my password and started a snowball effect that had me so confused ended up changing user names,other passwords and writing the info on sticky notes. However; apparently, I wrote down wrong information on some of the sticky notes and not enough information on the others.By the end of the day,I was frustrated,angry at myself and very discouraged with the huge mess I had inadvertently created.I am the first to admit that I am technology challenged.Actually,I am amazingly,frustratingly,notoriously awful with almost anything that is technology based.Occasionally I stumble upon the solution and accidentally fix the problem,but those instances are exceedingly rare.Operative word being RARE.
I finally gave up and put out an S.O.S. call to Mark,who is in my world,THE COMPUTER GOD!Once again he came to my rescue and fixed the mess I had created.By the time he left,I had a folder with a printed list of my user names,passwords,etc. I will endeavor to be more aware and carefully write down the correct information anytime I change passwords,etc.
I suppose you are wondering about my intelligence level. Well,I graduated from a university with a degree in nursing with a grade point average of 3.9 and made one of the highest grades in the state on my state board exams.I worked as a research study nurse for a number of years then as a Hospice case manager until I took early retirement due to work related injuries.
I am reasonably intelligent,but have a learning disability and dyslexia in math.Apparently I have a major disability with anything pertaining to computers.I read the" Dummy"how to books and manuals on computers and I they might as well be printed in ancient Aztec.I just don't understand the lingo no matter how often I read or reread the subject matter.The one class I found and attended was a complete failure.I couldn't figure out how to turn the computer on.You may laugh,but it was very traumatic to have the instructor lead the class in laughter at my total lack of computer skills.Needless to say,I never went back to that class.
Eventually,I bought and Apple, as they were called back then and I learned some basic skills. I own a Dell now and I can maneuver around and get some things done,but I am far from being able to do so many of the things I want to be able to do.Well,I digress.Back to my really horrible day.
I received and email that someone had used my Facebook account to get into Facebook and was told to follow the link and change my password.After screwing that task up and inadvertently, creating a snowball effect,by changing other passwords and forgetting user names and trying to change those I spent twelve hours trying to fix the horrible mess I had inadvertently created.
I finally,gave up in frustration and sent an S.O.S. email to my friend,Mark.I call him the Computer God. He always comes through and fixes whatever fiasco I have created while trying to fix something myself.
As always he smiles and laughs at me and then fixes whatever problem I have created this time.By the time he left,Everything was back to normal and I had a very nice print out of my sites complete with user names and current passwords. After a big bear hug and a reminder to write down any changes I make to passwords,etc.he got in his car and drove away into the sunset.Once again,he had ridden in,saved the day and rode away into the sunset. Thanks Mark
Just a closing thought,but maybe I change his name and should call him the"Lone Computer Ranger". Hmmm,probably no. Unless I write it down,I'll probably forget his user name and how to find him again!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
THERE BE GREMLINS ABOUT!
I have been challenged repeatedly today while trying to use my laptop.Every site has asked for my password which I have to stop and find.Then Hot mail wanted my password.I didn't even know I had one so I had to start the process of password recovery which I am sure Satan thought up.Then I tried to open my bookmark for my blog(which asked for my user name and password)Hell,I didn't even know I had either one for my blog.Eventually I found it through processes too horribly frustrating to to even put in writing.
Then windows live asked me for my password,you got it,I had to go through the same frustrating process of ,I'll just use the initials for that which not be named,P.R.
Then I decided(Oh foolish me) to have a little fun and go on Facebook and read what was new.
OH MY GOD! the old easy to use,entertaining Facebook is GONE! In it's place is a site almost impossible to navigate around in and so changed,it is no longer a pleasant way to talk tofriends and see what they are up to.That was the straw that broke this camels back,to use an old expression. Gone was the user friendly,amiable,laid back site and is it's place is the Devil's spawn.A place I dare not go now.I am disappointed and not too surprised.Nothing simple can be left untouched in this day and time,or so it seems.Sigh! I am going to go now and watch a few romantic movies on cable.Hopefully the gremlins have not invaded.I wonder if I can buy an insurance policy against further changes in my electronic tools.If not maybe there should be!Some one could make a fortune inventing a way to help some of us who don't want some of these changes.Newer does not necessarily mean better!
Then windows live asked me for my password,you got it,I had to go through the same frustrating process of ,I'll just use the initials for that which not be named,P.R.
Then I decided(Oh foolish me) to have a little fun and go on Facebook and read what was new.
OH MY GOD! the old easy to use,entertaining Facebook is GONE! In it's place is a site almost impossible to navigate around in and so changed,it is no longer a pleasant way to talk tofriends and see what they are up to.That was the straw that broke this camels back,to use an old expression. Gone was the user friendly,amiable,laid back site and is it's place is the Devil's spawn.A place I dare not go now.I am disappointed and not too surprised.Nothing simple can be left untouched in this day and time,or so it seems.Sigh! I am going to go now and watch a few romantic movies on cable.Hopefully the gremlins have not invaded.I wonder if I can buy an insurance policy against further changes in my electronic tools.If not maybe there should be!Some one could make a fortune inventing a way to help some of us who don't want some of these changes.Newer does not necessarily mean better!
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