I WANT A DO OVER or DO I?

Sitting here trying to make my money stretch to pay all my bills and realized it is a futile attempt.At one point at the height of frustration at the impossibility of my task i paused to ponder an off asked question by myself and I am sure many others. "Why wasn't I born rich instead of beautiful?"Then it hit me that I was neither.Oh I'm not ugly and look tolerably well for an overweight sixty- six year old lady.
I was born to middle class parents in the mid 40's when you actually had a middle class.My mother wanted a better life and chose to go to work as a secretary for a self- made millionaire who was at the end of a long marriage. Well things progressed between them and they more or less began to see each other after hours.eventually my mother and I moved in with him and we were happy for many years.I had my first taste of wealth and privilege and I loved it.
Now I am no stranger to hard work and farm life is not easy,but I loved every minute of it. This was the life I had always wanted.Cattle,horses,farm/ranch life was a realization of all my dreams and I treasure every minute I spent on our farm and with my stepfather.he was my hero and still is.Oh he had his faults but I accepted the good with the not so good and never looked back.

Today I sit in my lovely apartment and look back at the stupid choices I have made in my life that took me away from the life and people I loved.Now don't get me wrong,I have had a great life filled with highs and lows and have some spectacular memories.some good and some not so good.Would I go back and change things if I was given a do over. My first instinct is to say absolutely I would in a heartbeat!

Then I revisit my memories and review my life and I am not so sure.If I could have a do over and be aware of everything I had already experienced,pick the age to begin the do over,then I honestly think I would take the chance.
So all in all the bottom line answer is yes I would take the chance and go for the do over.

What would you do if you were given the chance for a do over?Would you chance it?

THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE OF YOUR LIFE!

Well, I have found myself in the unusual situation of finding myself unable to write any new words in any of my manuscripts. I sat my butt in my new computer chair,in my cozy little office area, in my lovely new apartment and stared at the computer screen of an unknown length of time.
I finally sneaked away with my metaphorical tail tucked between my legs and watched my, " Little Dorrit" and" Pride and Prejudice" Dvds.Even Matthew Macfadyen's gorgeous presence didn't inspire me to write,but it did make me forget I was not writing for an hour or two.
Well here I am siting at my desk two weeks later and I still haven't written any new words in any of my current WIP's. But I am writing this new post on my blog and it's more productive than staring at a blank page on my blank laptop screen.I don't have the heart or the courage to click on the icons to open any of my manuscripts. Even the icons for my different works in progress stare at me accusingly from their designated spots on the screen and send me into a guilt trip over my non-productivity!
Is this writer's block or shell shock from all the drama surrounding me the last few months?I think it is a bit of both.
Today feels different though. I can feel my muses discussing the situation and I think they are discontinuing their holiday in Ireland and heading back to me. Finally,I can see the light at the end of the long black tunnel and hopefully it isn't an express train hurtling toward me.
What was that? Did I just catch a whiff of the stench of negativity? Why, I do believe I did and it has no place in my life right now.I am in my new home,I will have money coming in to pay all my bills and I will survive and land on my feet as I always have. This too shall pass! After all,Tomorrow is another day and as God is my witness I will never go hungry again!"You can talk about it or you can make things happen! Put up or shut up! The day is always darkest before the storm,but there will be a rainbow afterward. The sun will come up tomorrow and tomorrow will be a better day.Negative thoughts attract negativity in your life.Think positive!
Okay,Okay! I got a little carried away but the message is that I will survive and things will get better. I know I can write.I know I can tell an interesting story. I know I can weather a storm and come through it.I know life is a roller coaster ride and there has to be ups and downs.I have survived all that life has tossed at me for sixty six years and I plan to survive and call good things to me for as long as my allotted time allows.
So my fellow writers,my friends and readers. Hold your head up high and know that you are not alone in this crazy carnival ride we call life.There are millions who are holding on to the handlebar and feeling the exhilaration of the breathtaking ride.

NEWEST ENDANGERED SPECIES,SOCIAL SECURITY

Well President Obama dropped the bombshell that the Social Security system is in danger of having no money to pay all of the PEOPLE WHO HAVE WORKED ALL OF THEIR LIVES AND PAID IN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS expecting to have that money to live on when they retire!
I say reduce the salaries of all of the elected officials who are supposed to be handling things for the people who elected them,reduce the salaries of the president,tighten the budget spending for the military contracts and bring all of our military personnel home.The military have contracts with companies to buy equipment and pay exorbitant prices.one such contract was to purchase hammers.The military paid $100.00 a piece for hammers. They could have bought the exact same hammer at Wal-Mart for 5.00 each.
Stop foreign aide to countries who then buy weapons from us to sell to other countries who use them to kill our soldiers and plan terrorist attacks.
If our elected officials can't run the country in an efficient manner then we as voters have to accept the responsibility that WE elected them either by not voting or by uninformed voting!
it is our responsibility as Americans to see that our country is returned to the powerful nation that it once was.Gone are the days of trusting that the elected officials will make good on their campaign promises if they ever existed in the first place.
Gone are the days when we could spend millions helping other countries take care of them selves.
It is said "No Man Is An Island"and "We are our brothers keeper". I believe those words,but I do know there comes a time when reason and responsibility has to rear it's head. American was a great nation and can be again.But first and foremost we have to take care of our own citizens before we can help others.

HOME AT LAST!

Well here I am at last,all moved into my new apartment and only a few minor glitches with internet and cable.I had help from friends moving most of the stuff from storage unit to apartment in this torrid Texas weather. My youngest daughter brought all of my stuff from various storage units and put all of it into one centrally located unit close to where I was temporarily staying.
I love my apartment.it is in a great location for me,affordable if I am careful,and the entire complex is for seniors,55 and up.It is not a retirement home, just a lovely complex for seniors,with all the amenities I could ask for.
I can't say this was an easy move but it wasn't the most difficult either. So all in all it wasn't too bad and hopefully any hard feelings will smooth over with time,but if not,we will all deal with our feelings in our own way.
As my grandmother used to say,"They have the same drawers to get glad in!"I will add,it is their choice and mine and I will have to let it go for my own piece of mind.
Sometimes I think all important conversations should be recorded for future reference.it would certainly lessen misunderstandings and the" you said ,I said," disagreements.
Well it is over and I truly hope this is my last move,unless I meet a drop dead gorgeous,wealthy, Matthew Macfadyen look alike and we fall madly in love and move to a farm in England,Ireland, Scotland or somewhere in the U.S.,sigh!Or maybe I'll find an agent who loves my writing, wants me for a client, and finds a publisher who loves my novels and wants to publish all of my manuscripts.
Hey,might as well dream big if you are going to dream.Dreams can and do come true.

THE HIGH COST OF BEING COMPULSIVE!

I am the first to admit I am too compulsive.I jumped at the chance to move to Alaska and I don't regret any of the experience except the very unwise amount of money I spent while there and returning to the lower 48.I received my 401k and spent the money on my family and myself. I enjoyed my purchases but being more kin to the grasshopper,I did not allow for unforeseen circumstances and once again Old Man Coyote,the trickster in native American mythology, showed up and bit me in the butt again and again.
Having always been more grasshopper than ant,I have struggled with my compulsive behavior all of my life.After being divorced with my daughter to take care of all by myself and in debt I finally realized there was no one to rescue me and learned to take care of business first.
I paid my bills first then spent only what I could afford on entertainment,new clothes for my daughter,etc.If I couldn't pay cash for it I didn't buy it.

At the moment I am in the process of waiting to move into a new seniors apartment building.I am concerned with money,it being the determining factor in almost everything I do or don't do at this time in my life.Hindsight is a bitch and if only's are a waste of time,but who among us don't go there.
I have little in the way of furniture and impulsively gave my bed to my youngest daughter.
I'll bet Old Man Coyote is laughing his skinny butt off right now,because I realized I can't afford to buy a new bed and will have to sleep in my recliner until I can save up enough to buy a bed.
Can you say"DUMB ASS, you did it again!"

Well there you have it in a nutshell,once again I was compulsive and didn't think before I spoke. I should have learned better by now,wouldn't you think?
Why you may ask don't I just tell her I made a mistake and really need the bed?Well mostly because our once very close relationship has definitely gone downhill and I love her and miss our close relationship and I confess I don't want her mad at me.She used to respect me and I don't think she does anymore.
I have made my bed so to speak. I have made so many bad impulsive decisions and I am paying the piper.Now don't get me wrong,I am not asking for sympathy,I am merely "awfulizing", as my therapist many years ago coined the phrase.I don't expect or ask anyone to fix it,I just needed to vent.
So my followers and friends,take heed and think before you leap,weigh the consequences, and consider the what if's,the unexpected and unforeseen.Remember Murphy's Law and then make a decision.The Cherokee wait four days before they make any major decisions. I plan to apply that wise decision making process in my daily life.I guess"Better late than never!"

WHY I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS,DEMONS & THE SUPERNATURAL

I am not ashamed or embarrassed to admit I believe in ghosts and demons or if you prefer,malevolent spirits.I am Irish,Choctaw with a bit of English mixed in.With that mixture ,how could I not believe.I still might be more dubious if I hadn't experienced encounters with ghosts and more than one evil entity.
I believe in God,I call the higher power,Great Spirit and I believe in Jesus Christ.I am a non practicing Catholic,a Christian and I follow Native American teachings and beliefs. I have no conflict within me with these religions and beliefs. I have my own personal relationship with the mix and resolve the conflicts within myself.
Now on to my encounters.The first time I saw a true ghost or presence if you are uncomfortable with the term ghost, was on a cool late fall day.I had begun woodcarving and was working out in the workshop/garage using my band-saw to cut out the rough shapes I would later carve into animals,people,dinosaurs or whatever I wanted to make and sell. I had a tingling sensation and the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck rose.I stopped and looked up and was surprised to see an elderly man walking across the yard toward me. He was wearing khaki pants and a plaid flannel shirt and looked familiar. I shut off the power and started to speak to him and ask if I could help him.
The words froze on my tongue when I realized the man was my grandfather.
I couldn't speak,couldn't move merely stood there and watched as he approached me.His faded blue eyes sparkled just as they always had. He paused and looked at my workshop and then down at the stack of wooden figures I had piled on my work table,swept over my bandsaw and other woodworking equipment then pierced me with an intent look.i couldn't speak or move merely stand there and watch as he nodded and smiled his oh so very familiar and beloved smile of approval.Nodded his head and walked past me and i watched him simply evaporate or disappear.
I don't know how long I stood there unable to move,before the spell broke and I grinned.Tears of joy spilled over and I could only stand there smiling,laughing and crying, at the incredible encounter and gift of my grandfather's visit and approval.
In his lifetime,he had been a postman and delivered mail in a horse and buggy,a calvary soldier in the first world war,and helped my grandmother run their boarding house.But his love was for carpentry.He built their first home and the second,then built the first home for my parents and several other family members. Working with wood was what he loved to do and I inherited that love from him.I believe he came back to give me his approval and encouragement to pursue what I truly loved,whether I made a lot of money or not.I will always treasure that special gift.

Now as to my other encounters they vary from feelings of discomfort or fear when walking into a home to actual sightings and physical encounters.
A Native spiritual leader and good friend,asked me and my two best friends to walk her land and clear it and tell her what we felt and saw.She had a spiritual retreat for natives and non- natives and she had held a huge spiritual ceremony, Wolf Song. Hundreds of people including many elders from all over the world had been there conducting workshops and Inipis(sweat lodge) ceremonies.
My two warriors,Lisa and Sharon and I took our sacreds bag of sage,cornmeal.and other sacred objects,surrounded ourselves with protection,asked for spiritual guidance from Great Spirit and set out.
We walked the perimeters of the entire 100 acres,crossing back and forth over all the areas where ceremonies were held,groups held talks and teachings, etc.We cleansed and smudged each section of land and finally approached the entry way into the land and were amazed at the hostile energy we could feel along the entire area along the drive and entry way.
The worst, or so we thought, was the corner where the boundary of the land began all the way to the entry gate.We could feel the anger and myriad of emotions all the people who attended brought with them and left at the gateway onto the land.All of the emotions people brought with them had manifested into a physical energy and tried to prevent us from clearing and smudging the entire entire area.
We managed to sprinkle the area with sage and call for cleansing,protective and healing energy from great Spirit,the Universe and Mother Earth. We turned our back on the entity that was trying to attack us and walked away.Thankfully it was unable to follow.

The three of us recouped our energy,said our prayers of thanks, reinforced our protection and set off to tackle several other areas,the kitchen area,showers,camping spots,dining areas,etc.

The next area I was drawn to was the mobile home,where several of the ranchies,as the live-in workers were called, stayed. We stood in front of the mobile home and began our healing ritual.Suddenly we were shoved backward by a very strong and malevolent power. If just one of us had been shoved backward,we might have chalked it up to a stumble or our imagination,but all three of us stumbled backward with the force of the unknown power at the exact same time.
We looked at each other and without a word we moved forward as a united front against this angry entity.We chanted and sang the same power song without having to tell each other what to do. Our intent was set on banishing this harmful energy/entity fro the home and the land.

I have no idea how long it took before we knew the force was gone and the area was cleansed and protected.The three warriors,for we were truly spiritual warriors that day,continued to cleanse the land,outbuildings and sacred areas until at last we were standing in front of the main house,where Thunder,her spouse,White horse, and there main staff lived.
The three of us knew we were done,for now the land was cleansed and protection set. We stood side by side in silence and watched the extraordinary sunset as the day ended.Hawks flew overhead,bird song filled the air and we could actually feel the land's sigh of contentment.
Our work here was finished and we knew we had done as we were asked and the job was successful.
We sat in the living room and told Mary Thunder all we had felt,experienced physically and emotionally, seen, and accomplished. Her gratitude and our sense of a job well done was all the payment we needed.However; we did accept the gift of iced tea and food.

Later that night, as we were driving home,I was increasingly uncomfortable and had no idea why.I chose not to express my feelings until I had more information.By the time we were back home I knew. I remember the feeling of fear and unease as I told Lisa and Sharon that I realized that they knew who and what I was now.I had revealed myself to them and would have to remain vigilant.I knew without a doubt that the last most powerful entity,energy,whatever it was now knew me and I was now an enemy and always would remain so.
To this day,I smudge the places I live and my body frequently and always try to remember to surround myself with white light and keep my protective shield around me.
I won't describe all of my personal experiences with Spirits,ghosts and strange entities and energies. I know I am an Empath, a healer and have no desire to study in an attempt to know more and become more. It has taken many years to accept what I am and my abilities. I do realize I have the potential to become more but have chosen to not go there,at least at this time.
My experiences and abilities have enabled me to help others but have cost me in energy and physical well being but those stories are for another day and another blog.
Why don't I write a book about my extraordinary experiences one may ask and I will only say that I am not sure I want to show myself to a skeptical world at this time and most important, I am not sure I want to accept who and what I am or could become.
well,enough of that.
My other experiences with entities have been benign encounters and sightings.Fortunately they were in the presence of other people. At least I have proof that I am not entirely crazy or imagining all of these encounters.

Our friend,Lisa and my youngest daughter and I experienced a fire in my home that rendered the house inhabitable.We rented a home and moved in.We loved the house and it was a magical place.Dragonflies,Butterflies,Hummingbirds seemed to love the place and we were treated to their presence in our backyard constantly.
One afternoon we were sitting in the living room talking when we saw a man dressed in a khaki uniform walk across the fenced back yard, heading around the side of the house. I asked."Did you see that man and they both said they did.There was no gate from him to enter from that the direction he had come and the three of us leaped up and hurried to the door.Lisa and I went out the back door and my daughter went out the front door. There was no sign of the man anywhere and no way for him to exit the backyard and disappear that quickly.
We went back inside and discussed what we had seen. I told them that the man looked identical to my real father who had died when I was sixteen.He was a mechanic and wore the identical khaki clothes every working day until he died. I truly believe it was my father at least it was his ghost.
The next encounter happened in the same house.My 21 yr old son was killed in a one car crash when he had a blow out on a back tire going around a curve and down a mountain on his way to California to try and break into the music video business.
A few days after his death,my friend Lisa came out of her room early one morning and said she had been awakened by a visitor sitting on the foot of her bed.Jackie had visited her because he didn't want to upset me but wanted me to know he was okay and he loved me and everything was alright.
The last sighting or visitation occurred just before we moved out.The three of us were sitting in the living room watching television and we say what appeared to be a native American man walk past the doorway that opened to the hallway leading to our bedrooms. He was walking toward Lisa's bedroom. Lisa and I jumped up and checked out her bedroom.It was empty!
We all agreed we had seen the exact same thing. The entity didn't feel threatening and we didn't feel any intent to do harm.We had merely seen what we saw and it was gone.

These types of sightings and encounters have continued for years for me and occasionally I have felt the energy,being,ghost,spirit, entity,whatever one chooses to call them has been less than friendly,but for the most part they have been protective or benign. Sometimes I know why they reveal themselves sometimes I don't.
I do know they are very real and I am not afraid of them Only rarely have I felt they are not friendly and could cause harm.

I treasure every one of my many experiences and rarely talk about them to people I don't know and trust. I have made an exception here on my blog,because I trust that my readers are getting to know me and I will say if a post is tongue in cheek or a true story.I plan to continue with posts about some of my extraordinary experiences and I have had many in my 66 years and hope to have many more. check back for my next blog on my un-nerving experience with my attempt at healing and easing my sister's cancer pain.

A Blog site possessed & A Modern Horror Story!

Apparently this blog site is having some major issues.No matter what font or size print I choose it switches to the font and size it feels I actually meant to choose which varies from moment to moment. What do I have now? Seems I have been changed to... hmm..... this seems to actually be Times.I don't really have much to say,other than Apartment hunting is a major pain in the butt. Used to be (not so very long ago) You found the complex you wanted to live in,headed over for a tour,selected what you wanted,filled out paperwork and if they had the unit you wanted available you paid your money and voila you moved in.
Not so these days.You have to have either 2.5 or 3 times the cost of the monthly rent in income to even be considered and these aren't even fancy upscale apartments. These places would have been considered low to medium income apartments a few years ago.I have spent the better part of a month or more checking out apartments,filling out applications and being very disappointed with repeated rejections,not because I can't afford the monthly rent and utilities,but because I can't meet the insane income requirements.
I can certainly understand why there are so many homeless people living in shelters, and in cardboard boxes under the overpasses and in alleys.Never thought I could be amongst the homeless.I will never scoff at them again.
No one is exempt from the possibility of being homeless in this day and time!
STAY TUNED FOR THE CONTINUING SAGA OF"THE RELENTLESS HORROR OF APARTMENT HUNTING!"
DOO DE DOO DOO,do de doo doo!(hum to the tune of The Twilight Zone theme song.)