Writers aren't exactly people, they're a lot of people trying to be one person. F.Scott Fitzgerald

Monday, January 7, 2013


   On December 16th, I  turned 69. I have been lucky enough in my lifetime so far to have fallen in love with two wonderful men(not at the same time) and eventually  produced two wonderful children with my first husband before we  divorced and two wonderful and very different different children with my second husband(who turned out to be the love of my life). Unfortunately, I seem to have gone crazy after my last child, was born. I wanted to be alone,lost all interest in sex and began to gain a lot of weight,stopped taking an interest in anything but sitting on the couch,eating,drinking diet cokes and watching television.Eventually,we stopped taking care of each other,having any fun together and  he couldn't take being married to me and my craziness any longer and walked out and into the arms of his high school sweetheart.I kept hoping he would come back to me and our two children,but he had had all he could take and filed for a divorce.
   Neither of us knew at the time that I was suffering from postpartum depression,which was not treated and developed into a severe form of psychosis.Basically,I went bat shit crazy and became depressed enough to have thoughts of ending it all. The only thing that kept me from ending the pain,was my four children and how they would feel if their mother killed herself.
  It took me several years to get over the loss of my second husband.Strange how you think you want something and when you get it,you realize it wasn't what you really wanted at all.
   That was in 1999,what I call my year of tragedies,losses, and heartaches.
After he had moved out the home we had lived burned to the ground and I had to start all over ,just me and my youngest daughter.Oh eventually I  recovered enough to continue to work as a registered nurse but not in the same hospital.Too many memories haunted me in the place where we had both worked.Eventually,I moved on and found my true calling as a hospice nurse.I started working for a wonderful company as a hospice R.N. and as they say,"Life Goes On".
     Am I happy? Most of the time I am reasonably happy.I am retired now and live in a lovely senior apartment complex.However; there are days that memories of my past loves and life come calling and I realize just how much I miss those days and how blessed I was with healthy children and a husband who loved me.That is when I feel just what I have lost and how much I miss those days.I think what I miss the most are the hugs,the feeling of knowing someone really loves me and has my back and I have to admit I really miss the lovemaking,and having someone to cuddle with on those lonely nights when I can't sleep.There is no one to come home to and I miss that.
    It really is true,that you don't realize what you have until you don't have it anymore and sometimes the pain is almost more that I can stand,but,I am a survivor and I will be okay. This too shall pass and I will keep on keeping on and enjoying the good days and surviving the bad days.FINI