Writers aren't exactly people, they're a lot of people trying to be one person. F.Scott Fitzgerald

Saturday, May 4, 2013


   ALL IN ALL, I have very few complaints.I suppose if I could change anything in my life ,I would choose to be younger and look like I did when I was in my twenties.There are times when I get lonely and miss being married and having  a houseful of kids,dogs and cats.
   Strange isn't it that when we have all of those things ,we so often wish we had something else,something more,something different.
    Well, I got my wish and one day,I woke up,at least it seemed like it happened that quickly, and my husband was gone and my children were all grown.
   I realized then that I had the best of both worlds and now I was all alone and being alone was not much fun,it was merely lonely. I had my independence,my own apartment and a job that I loved.
What I did not have was someone waiting for me to come home,someone to give me a hug when I needed it and a strong shoulder to cry on when I was stressed out, sad,or generally unhappy.
      There was no one waiting for me,no one to talk to and cuddle with at night.
I survived and I am fine most of the time,but there are those times when I look back and regret that I did not treasure and nurture all that I had.
 If I could go back in time,knowing then what I know now,I would have made different choices and thanked God for giving me a wonderful husband,healthy children and a house full of love. The moral of this story ,if there is a moral,or maybe just a warning to savor every moment and be thankful everyday for the people in your life and the joy and love they give you and the love that you give them in return.

Friday, February 22, 2013

What the ?

                  I woke up on December  16th 2013 and realized it was my birthday and I was now 69 years old! I showered,dressed,brushed my teeth and my hair,cleaned my apartment,took out the garbage,fed my fish and sat down with my Atkins shake,my daily breakfast,to watch my favorite television shows that I had recorded the night before.Around noon I went to Walmart,Dollar Tree, and Family Dollar, store to shop for groceries and personal items,shampoo,deodorant,etc.
                 Stopped at Wendy's and picked up two Apple Pecan Chicken Salads and a chocolate Frosty,to have for lunch and dinner the next day. After putting everything away, I listened to the happy birthday messages on the answering machine,from my family and friends,then read my happy birthday E-mails.
                That night  it really hit me that I really was 69 years old and I had outlived my parents,grandparents,and my only sister.Tears spilled down my cheeks as the memories of them and everyone else in my life,who had gradually left me,whether from death or as people do,they just drifted out of my life. I sat in my recliner and let the images of them and the memories all the people I had loved and lost drifted through my mind.
                I suppose that is when I realized just how blessed I have been in my 69 years to have had so many people in my life that loved me and whom I loved. Later that night,after I went to bed,I lay there and smiled as I drifted off to sleep,and decided that being 69 wasn't so bad after all.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Grasshopper and the Ant

     Well,so far things are going better for me at the start of 2013. I am finally learning to manage my money better than I did in 2012. I admit that I as a young girl I was used to having money and not have to worry about such a mundane thing.My stepfather was a self made millionaire and he doted on me and loved buying me things.His only biological child was a disappointment to him.When he divorced his first wife and married my mother, I was the child he had always wanted and he made all of my dreams come true.
    I loved working the cattle with him and he gave me my first horse.We worked side by side until he knew he could trust me to handle myself on my horse and working the cattle.After that he would tell me what he wanted me to do for that day and trusted me to get it done.He loved taking me shopping and showing off for me by buying whatever I wanted. He made all of my dreams come true and I adored him.All I had to do was ask  for something and he would make it happen.  He spoiled me ,but I also worked very hard to earn his praise.
  Then I fell in love with a very handsome young man who asked me to marry him and with stars in my eyes I said yes.My stepfather warned me that he was not the right man for me,but I was 16 or 17 and madly,foolishly in love.We were married on a beautiful October day and I was sure that we would be deliriously happy for the rest of our lives.I was so wrong!
  My stepfather was right and after six miserable years of putting up with his infidelity, and having two children that he did not want,I was miserably unhappy.  My stepfather,the only stable person in my life and who loved me unconditionally sent me the money to come home.So I packed my bags,took my two children and flew back to the only home I had ever loved and the only people who had ever really loved me.A few months later I was divorced and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
   Life was better for me and my two children. I was happy for a time, I had my horses and a farm again even if the old farm I loved so much was sold.I liked the new place but it just wasn't the same.
   My stepfather made sure to remind me of all the mistakes I had made and that my leaving was the main reason that he had sold the farm we had both loved so much.
   The breach between us gradually healed and once again we were close,but things were never the same.I think he stayed angry at me for leaving him for a man he had told me wasn't the right man for me.Unfortunately for both of us, he was right!
   I decided that I had to find a profession that would pay me enough to pay my bills and take care of my children.My stepbrother's wife was a registered nurse and talked me into going to nursing school.I decided that it was a profession that paid pretty well and nurses were always needed.
 Looking back,I had no way of knowing just how glad I would be that I chose to go to school and earn my degree as a registered nurse.
  A few years later my stepfather was in poor health and I helped take care of him when he had to have both legs amputated above the knee,because my mother,who had developed kidney disease and was on dialysis three time a week just couldn't handle it. We hired several nurses but he wanted me so mother hired a housekeeper instead to help her and help take care of my stepfather while I was at work.I took over the care of my stepfather when I was off work and in-between taking care of my two children. We were surprised when my mother died before my stepfather. He died a few years after her death.
  Well I continued to work at a local hospital where I met my second husband.We had two children and were happy together.He loved my two children from my first disastrous marriage. A few years after we were married we moved to Texas and were happy for a time until he began to see other women.
    Some of the fault was mine and some was his.I gained a lot of weight after having two more children and was exhausted from working in a neonatal unit  and as a research study nurse for three doctors at a major hospital.Before long the pressure of working long hours in two demanding jobs and trying to take care of the house and our children sent me spiraling into a deep depression.I had no idea that I was actually suffering from post-partum depression which left untreated can cause  postpartum psychosis and suicidal ideation in some women.I was one of the unlucky women who suffered from this condition that doctors knew very little about at that time.Things just got worse between my husband and I know now that was part of the reason he turned to other women.
    Boy can I digress or What? Eventually,he left me for a women had stayed friends with since  high school. After twenty something years, we parted ways and it broke my heart.

    I found a job as a hospice nurse and loved it.I had always gravitated to the sick and dying,whether it was an animal or a human.I worked as a Hospice RN until I realized one morning that I just did not think I could do it anymore. During the past three years,I had to have surgery on an injured shoulder,then a total replacement on my left knee,both injured taking care of my patients.I decided it was might be time to think about retiring from nursing.  I was having trouble doing some things by myself (changing light bulbs if I had to climb a ladder to do so was beyond my capabilities). I was still unsteady on my feet and had to use a cane at times.Finally my daughter and son-in-law had both served their two years in the Marine Corp and decided not to re-up. They had made an offer that was accepted and closed on a two and a half story home. They asked me to move in with them and my granddaughter and after thinking it over for a few weeks I agreed.They were unable to find jobs that paid enough to meet their mortgage and pay all their bills even thought I was helping out as much as I could.
    A few months later,they came home and announced they had  been to a job fair and accepted jobs in Alaska.And that is how I ended up in a remote area of Alaska and officially retiring from nursing.
Now to explain how this relates to the Grasshopper and Ant Fable.I drew out my 401k which was over $32,000.It is very expensive to live anywhere in Alaska,even if one is very frugal.I was not frugal or wise.I bought clothes for myself and the family.I paid for most of the very expensive groceries and I foolishly bought clothes,toys,etc for the family,including myself.
   Then I decided I wanted to buy myself a car that one of the residents had for sale and I did.Five years later we  all decided it was time to move back to Texas and it cost a lot to ship the cars to Anchorage then back to Texas.So there you have it. I was the wise ant fewer times than I was the foolish grasshopper. Fini!

Monday, January 7, 2013


   On December 16th, I  turned 69. I have been lucky enough in my lifetime so far to have fallen in love with two wonderful men(not at the same time) and eventually  produced two wonderful children with my first husband before we  divorced and two wonderful and very different different children with my second husband(who turned out to be the love of my life). Unfortunately, I seem to have gone crazy after my last child, was born. I wanted to be alone,lost all interest in sex and began to gain a lot of weight,stopped taking an interest in anything but sitting on the couch,eating,drinking diet cokes and watching television.Eventually,we stopped taking care of each other,having any fun together and  he couldn't take being married to me and my craziness any longer and walked out and into the arms of his high school sweetheart.I kept hoping he would come back to me and our two children,but he had had all he could take and filed for a divorce.
   Neither of us knew at the time that I was suffering from postpartum depression,which was not treated and developed into a severe form of psychosis.Basically,I went bat shit crazy and became depressed enough to have thoughts of ending it all. The only thing that kept me from ending the pain,was my four children and how they would feel if their mother killed herself.
  It took me several years to get over the loss of my second husband.Strange how you think you want something and when you get it,you realize it wasn't what you really wanted at all.
   That was in 1999,what I call my year of tragedies,losses, and heartaches.
After he had moved out the home we had lived burned to the ground and I had to start all over ,just me and my youngest daughter.Oh eventually I  recovered enough to continue to work as a registered nurse but not in the same hospital.Too many memories haunted me in the place where we had both worked.Eventually,I moved on and found my true calling as a hospice nurse.I started working for a wonderful company as a hospice R.N. and as they say,"Life Goes On".
     Am I happy? Most of the time I am reasonably happy.I am retired now and live in a lovely senior apartment complex.However; there are days that memories of my past loves and life come calling and I realize just how much I miss those days and how blessed I was with healthy children and a husband who loved me.That is when I feel just what I have lost and how much I miss those days.I think what I miss the most are the hugs,the feeling of knowing someone really loves me and has my back and I have to admit I really miss the lovemaking,and having someone to cuddle with on those lonely nights when I can't sleep.There is no one to come home to and I miss that.
    It really is true,that you don't realize what you have until you don't have it anymore and sometimes the pain is almost more that I can stand,but,I am a survivor and I will be okay. This too shall pass and I will keep on keeping on and enjoying the good days and surviving the bad days.FINI