For the first time in my life I am not looking forward to the Christmas holidays.This year I find myself living in a lovely senior apartment complex.now that isn't the problem.The problem is out of sight /out of mind! My children rarely call me,my friends don't visit and rarely call.I have little to no money left after paying all my bills,so I can't even go shopping for gifts.I understand now why so many people commit suicide during the major holidays,especially Christmas.
No I am am not thinking about doing away with myself,but I can understand why many choose to do so.Years ago,when I was a young and foolish wife and mother,I remember wishing I could live alone,with no one to tell me what to do or interrupting my writing or asking me to pay attention to them. I resented having to cook,clean house,take care of a husband and toddlers.I wanted to be free to watch the television shows I wanted to see instead of fishing shows every Saturday morning. Wishing I were alone so I could read my books uninterrupted or watch a movie all the way to the end without having to stop and cook dinner or play with a bored child.
Well I am sixty six,almost sixty seven and finally got what I wished for all those years ago.No one interrupts me,there are no children clamoring for my attention and no husband to take care of and pay attention to. Now I watch movies all the way through uninterrupted by anyone.
I read until the wee hours of the morning,write whenever I am inspired to do so and cook only when I want to.I don't have to rush around buying tons of Christmas presents,cook holiday meals,wrap presents,etc. I can eat fast food instead of slaving for hours over a hot stove cooking huge holiday dinners. Sounds great in theory,at least I thought so at one time.
The reality is not! My apartment is quiet,too quiet.No laughter of children,no mad wrapping presents or putting together toys until the wee hours of the morning before collapsing in bed and making love to my husband and snuggling against his warm comforting body for a few hours before the kids get up and the madhouse begins.Christmas morning there will be no sounds of laughter and delight at what Santa left under the huge Christmas tree.There are no warm hugs from my children. No kissing my husband under the mistletoe or snuggling on the sofa with his strong arms wrapped around me while we watch our children tear into the presents we spent hours wrapping. No treks to the grandparents house for the family gift exchange and helping my mother-in-law cook Christmas dinner for our huge family.
Yes I got what I wished for and I would give almost anything in the world to go back to what I had then. As I have said before.Be careful what you wish for,you just might get it!
This year,my first Christmas alone,I wish more than ever that I could go back in time knowing what I do now. I would cherish those times with my family. Yes, I want a do over and I wonder where those Christmas Spirits that visited Scrooge were when I needed them?